When You Were Still Here

I wake up every morning With your name still in my head, Like you were just beside me, Not long ago—but dead. Your cup sits on the table, Still stained with morning tea. I never moved a single thing Since the day you left me. Your coat still hangs in silence, Your shoes sit by the door. I stare at them for hours, As if you'll walk in once more. I talk to empty spaces Where your laughter used to be, And every room feels smaller now Since you're no longer with me. I whisper in the hallway, I cry into my hands, I write your name on windows Just fogged up by my hands. I found a note you left me, Folded in your favorite book. It said, “Don’t forget to smile,” But I can’t bear to look. I sleep with all the lights on, Afraid of all the dreams, Because sometimes I still hear you Calling softly from the seams. I thought time was a healer, But it’s a liar in disguise. It tells me you’ll feel closer— Yet I forget your eyes. People say, “Be strong now,” And, “They’re in a better place.” But no one sees the empty nights Or the picture I still trace. I replay our last phone call, Your voice so calm and kind. I didn’t know that call would be The very final time. “I’ll see you soon,” you told me, And I believed it too. But now I only see you In skies that fade to blue. Your chair beside the window Still catches morning light, But now it glows with silence— Too quiet, too bright. I keep your sweater folded On my side of the bed. When I wake up at 3 a.m., It holds the words unsaid. I never told you everything— How proud I was of you. I always thought we had more time, But time was never true. I miss the way you’d worry When I’d leave home too late. Now I drive in tears and whispers Hoping you guard the gate. I still set out two dishes Though I eat alone each night. I still pause at the sunset Waiting for your light. Some days, I nearly text you, Or laugh like you're nearby. Then I remember halfway through— And all I do is cry. They say grief comes in waves, But it feels more like a flood. Some days I swim with memories, Other days, I drown in blood. But I will keep on writing you, Even if you never write back. Because the love I still carry Is the one thing I don’t lack. I light a candle every week And place it by your frame. I smile and say, “I miss you.” Though it hurts to say your name. I hope you see me breaking, And maybe hold me while I sleep. Maybe you still walk beside me When the wind begins to weep. I don’t know if I’ll ever Learn to live without your voice, But I do know this for certain: I would still make the same choice— To love you, lose you, miss you, Again and all my days. Because even broken-hearted, You still light all my ways. So if you can still hear me, From wherever you may be, Please know my heart still beats for you— Even though you're free. And when my time is over, And the sky pulls down its shade, I’ll run through stars to find you And rest where we both fade.