When I Read My Abuser Made a Suicide Attempt
Your life almost ended today, and part of me wishes I could be writing your eulogy.
three years ago you thought i should die because i was mentally sick and
it was my fault, no one would love
a worthless piece of garbage like me
three years later i realized
you used me as a crutch
to hide how you felt
about yourself
i was browsing through social media
art
music
things that give me a reason
for healing and growing
a mutual friend posted a video
of himself with you
on the NYC subway
peace signs thrown up
you both were smiling
it was captioned
“please send some love to _____,
he’s in the hospital after
almost ODing, _____ is one of my best friends
and he’s fighting the demons
right now”
i don’t wish such a tragedy upon anyone but
you
you
you
you might be
the exception
they say karma is a bitch
but fuck it,
karma is a cunt if you play your cards right
i messaged our mutual friend
“what did he OD on”
“i don’t know, he tried to take his own life”
“wow”
time was irrelevant when i was with you
my life revolved around you
if i wasn’t at your beck and call
i was wrong
if i talked to anyone else besides you
i was wrong
if i tried to tell you that you were fucked up
i was wrong
when i tried to leave because
i was scared
when i slit my wrist multiple times
in front of you
because of you
when i had to take care of you
while sacrificing my soul
when i told you how
I dance with
my demons
i
was
so
fucking
wrong
your life almost ended today
and part of me wishes i could be
writing your eulogy
i have no emotion towards something
that would normally set my heart on fire
and make me extend my
“wishes and prayers for a speedy recovery!!”
i wrote my first poem in months yesterday
about healing
about growing
you crossed my mind the other day
when i was asked to do something
that used to hold so much joy for me
that you destroyed
my heart was racing when i read that
you wanted to die
because now maybe we can
finally agree on something
you’re a worthless
piece of shit
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