I wrote a poem that was meant for you and me
I felt something inside me let me go
I spent a lifetime not understanding
Why love and lies won’t take my hand
I feel sickened by the hate and hurt that is there to grab a hold of me
It seems to be there all the time
How it seems the misery has sewn itself in me
Like a puppet that plays on strings to dance for those who come to stare
I refuse to apologize for feeling what I feel
Anger in me burns into me like black holes
Black liquid oozes out
I wrote a poem and it was left for you
Hoping you would clearly see
The desire that has escaped my mind
My memories of when I was a little girl
The barren desert burnt my lips
The heat and coal burned me just so
I have spent a lifetime just waiting for someone to take my hand
Love me
I want no fear
I want no more tears
I want no more sorrow
I want a lifetime of happiness finally that begins tomorrow
I was left to always choose between my sanity and me
I escaped from both of them
I couldn’t choose so I turned to walk away
The blistering cold wind blew across my skin
My lips turned blue as sin
They chattered and every tear that fell crystalized and crashed upon the ground just then
I want to be a princess that I’ve seen in books
All girls want that fantasy instead of silence that seemed to let me go
I see others smile and hold each other’s hand
I see the love in their eyes as they smile, the world escaping around them
And I look over at my side
It’s empty there
No one to hold my hand
No one anywhere
I play a soft song and dance to it like a music box ballerina going in a circle
Wanting someone to stop her but it’s the same old pose
Wouldn’t something else be nice?
I watch out my window as I hear sweet laughter from two lovers
As they walk on by
And I stand here and look at them from my prison cell of a room
I’m watching the love in the world
But I don’t know to understand clarity when there is none for me
The wickedness isn’t fair and the bitterness only grows
I’ve spent a lifetime to find someone to share my love with
And yet I’m supposed to apologize for who I am
For what I look like
For what you think I should be
Blood streaks down my face where tears used to be
The pain comes out of me
And I’d rather stumble on a stage and pretend to dance
Tied to strings and be a puppet
Let people laugh at me instead
Life isn’t fair, but oh how it could be… if someone would stand up like I do and fight to be with me
Instead of hiding in the corner
And only dream of the future
I want to hold someone so close
I want to love someone more than anyone could in the world
I buried part of myself in the yard
My tears fell and grew flowers that quickly withered away and died
I didn’t even make a plaque to find me
I was never that important
No one would come to see me anyway
Makes it easier if you can’t see me since all I was good for was to be used
You would never admit that you only wanted to use me
A lifetime never to truly love me or who I am
You played a wicked game to the detriment of another
And there was nothing left over
You can’t admit defeat with what you did
You can’t admit that in the end that you never truly wanted me as I wanted you
I gave up forever for a piece of eternity
And all you could muster up was a sliver that was a scrap of nothing in this world
I just wanted a taste to ease my pain
Forget my past
I stood a lifetime trying to understand what else I could have done
to make you love me like in those fairytales I once read
I loved you more than you ever truly knew
I loved you more and gave much more of me
Losing myself and my sanity
I guess some don’t realize how to love the way I do
They love once and that is all they can give
They don’t want to work as hard as I
I lived yet another lifetime feeling heartache and defeat
No one ever meets me halfway
Barely extending their hand to feel me and greet
I sang a song when I ached and I sang it loud just for you
Feel the pain and it showered over you
But you wanted the silence and let it go
I’m tired of being used
I want to finally be loved … not in the shallowness of a man
I want to feel arms around me so tight
I want to not be scared of what I could do
I want to keep my head up and not feel so ashamed
But in my head, I can still hear the music play from a music box in my head and it’s so sad
I can’t apologize for feeling how I feel
When is it ever going to be my time?
When will someone want to be truly mine?
What will happen when my body decides to give up?
No one will win… only whimpers and sadness linger in your eyes
But this is what you wanted… this is what you decided to choose
The sad music finally stopped playing for me and then it moved into your head
You could hear the sadness play with melancholy and delight
You had a chance to save my soul but you used me up and then watched me go
You didn’t try to love what you had before you
You wanted me to do more than I ever could
And I struggled and fought through as I oftentimes would
I wished you could only see, I did it for love …
a sweet symphony played just like it did when I was a little girl
You had me chained to you instead of trusting me to stay next to you
I cared for you and wouldn’t take flight
But you put your own fears of what you might do upon me and made me suffer in your delight
You punished me as if I would do to you what you had done several times over
You left me barely any room to breathe
When all I wanted was the remedy of your soft kiss
Wipe away my worries - allay my fears
All I ever wanted was THE ONE who I have always loved
I’ve adored him more than he seems to know
He fled away for a while and left me alone in this world
And I inflicted pain onto myself
For when he vanished, my bravery was thrown at the waist-side
The universe circled around to give a second chance
What shall be done with the little time remaining?
We each growing older in our own way
My fear of being left alone
Comes back to my crooked stage
I bear this empty space where my soul once was
I gave him my soul to take a long time ago
There are stains left on the gentle wings
And some of them are no longer there, they must have fallen
I wanted to be cradled by those gentle arms
Cradling the face I love so much
To kiss those lips that long for me
My eyes would close as my arms wrapped around his neck just so
I need to feel him
I need him even more
My warm breath upon his neck as I bury my face right there
My worn heart feels so battered and bruised that I can’t stand it anymore in my chest
I no longer want to feel it beat
His presence could take my breath away
Making it hard to swallow
My eyes would take still images as to not forget the moment
I need him more than he’ll ever know
And when the time comes for my body to rest
Will he have used me up or truly say he loved me at best
My eulogy will say I wanted to be loved is all
But everyone had excuses and made it seem easy to let me go
I tried to reach out and hold on to the hand of the one I loved
But no one tried as much as I
And I lived a life of pain and sorrow
My heart became hollowed out
It was beaten and bruised
I danced stumbling across a tilted stage just to want someone to rescue me
I wanted to be loved unconditionally
With more than words… I wanted someone to give up things for me as I did for them
Maybe in the end that was my only sin …I trusted in all around me … I was chasing a ghost
And in the end, I became a ghost that no one will ever have to see
They didn’t want to see me anyway
Their pride stood before them and wouldn’t allow me to grow because it was all about them just so
I cried and bled for the sake of so many
And no one took a second glance
Blamed it all on their circumstance
But I thought love was something that someone would choose
But seems they would choose it … just not for me .. they just let go
Selfishly I would end it all
Take away someone else’s right to tell me when to leave
Life isn’t fair
But love is supposed to be
I harbor a secret in my tears
I don’t feel like I seem to fit in or belong
I am a secret and my youth won’t always last
I felt brave with him but my passion must come to an end
I don’t feel strong anymore
The more I walk the more I think and can’t turn back time to change my age
I cannot let others rule my happiness
Life isn’t fair but I can take way the fate of life
It’s lonely looking around the same old room
Talking to the emptiness
Feeling such heartache and gloom
All I want is to proudly hold on to one person’s hand
Show him off to the world
And let the world know he’s my world
But where is the clarity if there is no truth?
The voice of reason is disappearing
I stopped talking and let it go
I spent a lifetime trying to understand why no one fights for me as I did him
I guess words are supposed to be enough
And so I pack my bag … in it only has room for emptiness
There is no room for trust
With love there is nothing
There’s just a loud silence and an empty hush
So play music box a sad tune of what I’ve tried to say
Play it loud for him someday
Let him know how I tried to hold on but decided to let go
I couldn’t spend another lifetime wondering why someone couldn’t love me the way I loved him...
About the Creator
Lizzie Martinez
Little person, actor, published author of several books & other works, poet, Script Writer, Expert Paranormal Investigator/ Consultant/Instructor & Founder of my own paranormal business & Sensitive Medium.
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