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By Lizzie MartinezPublished 3 years ago 8 min read

I wrote a poem that was meant for you and me

I felt something inside me let me go

I spent a lifetime not understanding

Why love and lies won’t take my hand

I feel sickened by the hate and hurt that is there to grab a hold of me

It seems to be there all the time

How it seems the misery has sewn itself in me

Like a puppet that plays on strings to dance for those who come to stare

I refuse to apologize for feeling what I feel

Anger in me burns into me like black holes

Black liquid oozes out

I wrote a poem and it was left for you

Hoping you would clearly see

The desire that has escaped my mind

My memories of when I was a little girl

The barren desert burnt my lips

The heat and coal burned me just so

I have spent a lifetime just waiting for someone to take my hand

Love me

I want no fear

I want no more tears

I want no more sorrow

I want a lifetime of happiness finally that begins tomorrow

I was left to always choose between my sanity and me

I escaped from both of them

I couldn’t choose so I turned to walk away

The blistering cold wind blew across my skin

My lips turned blue as sin

They chattered and every tear that fell crystalized and crashed upon the ground just then

I want to be a princess that I’ve seen in books

All girls want that fantasy instead of silence that seemed to let me go

I see others smile and hold each other’s hand

I see the love in their eyes as they smile, the world escaping around them

And I look over at my side

It’s empty there

No one to hold my hand

No one anywhere

I play a soft song and dance to it like a music box ballerina going in a circle

Wanting someone to stop her but it’s the same old pose

Wouldn’t something else be nice?

I watch out my window as I hear sweet laughter from two lovers

As they walk on by

And I stand here and look at them from my prison cell of a room

I’m watching the love in the world

But I don’t know to understand clarity when there is none for me

The wickedness isn’t fair and the bitterness only grows

I’ve spent a lifetime to find someone to share my love with

And yet I’m supposed to apologize for who I am

For what I look like

For what you think I should be

Blood streaks down my face where tears used to be

The pain comes out of me

And I’d rather stumble on a stage and pretend to dance

Tied to strings and be a puppet

Let people laugh at me instead

Life isn’t fair, but oh how it could be… if someone would stand up like I do and fight to be with me

Instead of hiding in the corner

And only dream of the future

I want to hold someone so close

I want to love someone more than anyone could in the world

I buried part of myself in the yard

My tears fell and grew flowers that quickly withered away and died

I didn’t even make a plaque to find me

I was never that important

No one would come to see me anyway

Makes it easier if you can’t see me since all I was good for was to be used

You would never admit that you only wanted to use me

A lifetime never to truly love me or who I am

You played a wicked game to the detriment of another

And there was nothing left over

You can’t admit defeat with what you did

You can’t admit that in the end that you never truly wanted me as I wanted you

I gave up forever for a piece of eternity

And all you could muster up was a sliver that was a scrap of nothing in this world

I just wanted a taste to ease my pain

Forget my past

I stood a lifetime trying to understand what else I could have done

to make you love me like in those fairytales I once read

I loved you more than you ever truly knew

I loved you more and gave much more of me

Losing myself and my sanity

I guess some don’t realize how to love the way I do

They love once and that is all they can give

They don’t want to work as hard as I

I lived yet another lifetime feeling heartache and defeat

No one ever meets me halfway

Barely extending their hand to feel me and greet

I sang a song when I ached and I sang it loud just for you

Feel the pain and it showered over you

But you wanted the silence and let it go

I’m tired of being used

I want to finally be loved … not in the shallowness of a man

I want to feel arms around me so tight

I want to not be scared of what I could do

I want to keep my head up and not feel so ashamed

But in my head, I can still hear the music play from a music box in my head and it’s so sad

I can’t apologize for feeling how I feel

When is it ever going to be my time?

When will someone want to be truly mine?

What will happen when my body decides to give up?

No one will win… only whimpers and sadness linger in your eyes

But this is what you wanted… this is what you decided to choose

The sad music finally stopped playing for me and then it moved into your head

You could hear the sadness play with melancholy and delight

You had a chance to save my soul but you used me up and then watched me go

You didn’t try to love what you had before you

You wanted me to do more than I ever could

And I struggled and fought through as I oftentimes would

I wished you could only see, I did it for love …

a sweet symphony played just like it did when I was a little girl

You had me chained to you instead of trusting me to stay next to you

I cared for you and wouldn’t take flight

But you put your own fears of what you might do upon me and made me suffer in your delight

You punished me as if I would do to you what you had done several times over

You left me barely any room to breathe

When all I wanted was the remedy of your soft kiss

Wipe away my worries - allay my fears

All I ever wanted was THE ONE who I have always loved

I’ve adored him more than he seems to know

He fled away for a while and left me alone in this world

And I inflicted pain onto myself

For when he vanished, my bravery was thrown at the waist-side

The universe circled around to give a second chance

What shall be done with the little time remaining?

We each growing older in our own way

My fear of being left alone

Comes back to my crooked stage

I bear this empty space where my soul once was

I gave him my soul to take a long time ago

There are stains left on the gentle wings

And some of them are no longer there, they must have fallen

I wanted to be cradled by those gentle arms

Cradling the face I love so much

To kiss those lips that long for me

My eyes would close as my arms wrapped around his neck just so

I need to feel him

I need him even more

My warm breath upon his neck as I bury my face right there

My worn heart feels so battered and bruised that I can’t stand it anymore in my chest

I no longer want to feel it beat

His presence could take my breath away

Making it hard to swallow

My eyes would take still images as to not forget the moment

I need him more than he’ll ever know

And when the time comes for my body to rest

Will he have used me up or truly say he loved me at best

My eulogy will say I wanted to be loved is all

But everyone had excuses and made it seem easy to let me go

I tried to reach out and hold on to the hand of the one I loved

But no one tried as much as I

And I lived a life of pain and sorrow

My heart became hollowed out

It was beaten and bruised

I danced stumbling across a tilted stage just to want someone to rescue me

I wanted to be loved unconditionally

With more than words… I wanted someone to give up things for me as I did for them

Maybe in the end that was my only sin …I trusted in all around me … I was chasing a ghost

And in the end, I became a ghost that no one will ever have to see

They didn’t want to see me anyway

Their pride stood before them and wouldn’t allow me to grow because it was all about them just so

I cried and bled for the sake of so many

And no one took a second glance

Blamed it all on their circumstance

But I thought love was something that someone would choose

But seems they would choose it … just not for me .. they just let go

Selfishly I would end it all

Take away someone else’s right to tell me when to leave

Life isn’t fair

But love is supposed to be

I harbor a secret in my tears

I don’t feel like I seem to fit in or belong

I am a secret and my youth won’t always last

I felt brave with him but my passion must come to an end

I don’t feel strong anymore

The more I walk the more I think and can’t turn back time to change my age

I cannot let others rule my happiness

Life isn’t fair but I can take way the fate of life

It’s lonely looking around the same old room

Talking to the emptiness

Feeling such heartache and gloom

All I want is to proudly hold on to one person’s hand

Show him off to the world

And let the world know he’s my world

But where is the clarity if there is no truth?

The voice of reason is disappearing

I stopped talking and let it go

I spent a lifetime trying to understand why no one fights for me as I did him

I guess words are supposed to be enough

And so I pack my bag … in it only has room for emptiness

There is no room for trust

With love there is nothing

There’s just a loud silence and an empty hush

So play music box a sad tune of what I’ve tried to say

Play it loud for him someday

Let him know how I tried to hold on but decided to let go

I couldn’t spend another lifetime wondering why someone couldn’t love me the way I loved him...


About the Creator

Lizzie Martinez

Little person, actor, published author of several books & other works, poet, Script Writer, Expert Paranormal Investigator/ Consultant/Instructor & Founder of my own paranormal business & Sensitive Medium.

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    Lizzie MartinezWritten by Lizzie Martinez

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