True Colors
My seven year old's relationship with mental health
My son Everett is Blue
Not the blue that always brings sadness
But the blue that creates crashing waves and open skies
He is the blue that turns dark at the end of a long day only lit by the moon
Everett's psychoses diagnosis is red
they are flames that spread and envelop his mind like an unwanted hug
they will not go out but rather burn his entire life
they keep him warm while trying to destroy his world around him
Everett's love is green
ever growing
bringing life and joy into moments between the voices that capture his mind
Everett is yellow
seven years old standing tall on his climbing tree
planning to go all the way to the moon
even if the trip must be taken from a hospital room
Everett's mind is indigo
a color between the lines of others
recognized as something we never expected
Everett is the orange walls he once had in his nursery
Everett is the purple fog that rolls over before the sun shines down on us once more
Everett is Autism
Everett is schizophrenia
Everett is DMDD
Everett is seven years old
Everett is the boy who taught us to see the world in new colors
to experience moments in the colors that bleed within one another
Everett is every color that most his age do not yet get to experience
shades of different colors that do not blend with in the lines
the lines are blurred into the background of his mind and he picks up his brush
he draws the ones that speak to him
gives them shape size and color
the voices in his head have backstories that Austen would not write
the dark moments of greys turn in his heads
and he breaks out in moments of light against the dark background that is his life
Everett is the artist with the mind made of Picasso paintings and the need for Van Gogh's flowers stuck in the painting entitled, "Scream."
He yearns for shades of colors that stay in the lines
and the medications push as much of the ink in as they can
but under the blurs the chemical indifferences
and chemicals move the colors between swirls of the blends society expects
society expects the colors that are shades of grey
that do not disrupt the world but fade into it
Everett's colors disrupt the world in loud hues and demanding tones
and he teaches everyone around him to do the same
In a world that sometimes feels like walking in shades of grey
Everett is the color in every moment of my life
He is the warm hues on cold days
Everett is the splashes of color that make me want to live everyday to its limit
He colors the entire world with one laugh
turning old grey smiles into bursts of orange and yellow
and all the colors fall together
as if the sun only rises to the reds and yellows when he opens his eyes
and the blues of the sky pour out of his own eyes
and the browns and greens next to his irises
fill out the valleys and mountains
and the pink on his cheeks warms up the moments when I fear for his fragile mind
In between the voices screaming in his head,
the fire that burns in his mind shouting commands that envelop him in the greys
I take him in my arms and the last of my color bleeds into him
our colors replace each other on the days when life wants to filter us into monotones
and in the darkest moments we bring color into each other
he teaches me how to bleed color back out into the world
how to appreciate the shades around us
how to find colorful joy in every moment
Everett is true colors shining
Every color shining through
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