true colors

once i start to show my true colors

even the people who say they love me no matter what

start to hate me

and question my place in the world

just like i do

every day i open my eyes

and wonder where i am

and why i’m here

when i know i don’t belong

i don’t belong anywhere

or with anyone

and this feeling has been with me since i could feel

anything other than hungry

for milk that i couldn’t even suck from my mother’s breast

or the urge to sleep

even when it was hard to breathe

since i became cognizant of the world around me

outside of me

and the bare minimum of my needs

since i began to question if i have a place in the world

outside of me

for me

for someone like me

someone who can’t stomach the idea that the world isn’t for her

yet feels like the world is not for her

is not deserving of her

deserving of someone better

for she is a selfish breed

cares too much about herself

and craves too much for validation she is not owed

while simultaneously caring so little for herself

that she selfishly causes worry

in those around her

even if they don’t truly feel she belongs either

selfishly crying for comfort

manipulating

when she could just suck it up

stay silent even when the voices in her head

are resolute in their mocking

and their truth-telling

and are still so loud no matter what she does

selfishly mourning the compassion

undeserved

she knows does not belong to her

someone like her

someone who feels like there’s no point in trying

even though she tries so damn hard

to be someone worthy

of love

of respect

of recognition

of a spot in this universe

she tries so damn hard

to figure out her place in the world

to find a space where she can feel good about herself

and like she belongs anywhere

and though she tries so damn hard

to dim her colors

and pretend that she’s normal

so she can fit in somewhere

anywhere in the world

she knows she does not truly have a place in this world

and she never will

until she’s in a place where light doesn’t show

.

i do not truly have a place in the world

and i never will

until i give up

and stop looking for one

dim the beacon i put out so desperately

and stop showing any color at all