trauma bond to trauma itself

right now life can be beautiful

if i will it to be

if i just say "and so it is"

but right now im just not strong enough to forget

one side of me says "keep spiraling, your headstone is set"

the other says get a grip

we are all one in the same

loving in vain

im not special

just vocal about it

bound to every man making their way around

till' my head smacks the ground

after falling for far too long

psychologists call it "trauma bonds"

bound by trauma

to trauma itself

a force so strong

addicted to drama

convinced chemical thrills

will always be more fun than prescribed pills

bite sized thoughts

swirling to the surface of what has always been an abyss

even in a safe space like this

i dont feel safe enough to let a reader in

nothing i say about anything could ever explain

what a dull pain

ive survived and trained

to love

even more so if i pair it with drugs

im hungover

ive lost the war in my mind again

always so weak and giving into temptations

of fleeting pleasure

that always feels worse by morning light pressure

and whats worse, is i disguise it so well

i am a professional at it, no one can ever tell

right now i can do better

right now i am trying to figure out what is meant to be

all this misplaced passion will lead to life of misery

like it hasnt already

after all, it lead me to him didnt it?

so many

should i continue killing myself to stay alive?

or do i continue what i continue because ive convinced myself

this is how i thrive

willing to just

survive

-g.m.t.