Trapped

I have been feeling a little out of it these few couple of days. I'm basically sleep deprived, I pretty much starve myself, and my mind is on full overdrive. I've been trying to change my body to what I believe is an acceptable way. I deprive myself from a lot of things that could potentially benefit me, but I simply push them away. I have been more anti social than usual, my human interactions aren't usually the best. I hardly speak to my family, I don't keep in touch with any friends or acquaintances. I feel trapped in a bottle of whiskey. I don't care of anything around me, hateful commentary doesn't bother me as much as it used to. I dislike the outside world more than anything, I make up any excuse to prevent leaving the house. Deep down I know I just hate the idea of facing reality, I hated having to be a participant of this battle for crippling happiness. Contemplating whether money or people are the meaning of real happiness. As I see it is not of importance. I'm simply an outcast, a vast soul, a mindless zombie, just a stray. No one understands me or the voices in my head. They let me know when the time has arrived. But I wouldn't push it too much because as psychotic as it seems I kind of feel happy like this.