Train Ride Soliloquy

I sit on the train after a second date and think to myself,

Do I like him, or do I just like me?

Sometimes I feel like I don’t have time to process my emotions before I am forced to make another decision.

Should I see him again?

It’s risky subjecting myself to another Friday night worrying about if my shoulders look too broad, or if my toenails are painted.

Am I good enough?

I need someone to tell me who I should be with.

I need someone to process my emotions for me, to tell me the right choice.

Is this all a waste of time?

A few minutes later, I continue to sit in the dirty PATCO seat, silently.

I wonder,

Who am I to be traveling to see a man who doesn’t even know my middle name?

Sometimes life really does feel like a simulation, especially dating in your 20’s.

Will it get easier, or will I learn to accept the okay-ness of the unknown?

So much pressure is put on the imaginary, what you want this to be. What you need it to be.

Is it better to be alone, or with someone and lonely?