To "Tanya"

Cannot believe how times has flown

Since that day so long ago

It's been five years since the day

Biggest mistake I've ever made

How could I have known at the time

Just all that you would do to me

I had no idea at the time

That you would drive me to brink of death

At the time all was good

On this day five years ago

The world seemed brighter because of you

In truth but the calm before the storm

I could not know how things have gone

Those days were lonely just like now

I was weak in those days unlike now

Truly innocent I was in those days

It was this day five years ago

When those words at first I uttered

How I wish I never did

I love you not for lies you were

At the time the love was hidden

Parents I knew would always fight

I know all that was what would happen

So I love you not was what I said

In those days the love was innocent

There was no way I could have known

Did not listen to those who know

Wish I had but cannot go back

Maybe then the love was real

I cannot say if it was

In those days I was young

There is no way I can know

In those days we always plot

Think of ways that we could meet

Dreamt of ways we could stay

Stupid foolish they all were

Thinking back upon those days

I cannot fathom how we did

We fell in love or so I thought

Now in hindsight I know the truth

They say hindsight is twenty-twenty

I say bullshit to all of them

Of course we know in the end

Does not help us when needed most

Those days were innocent that is true

I lived here and you lived there

Thousand miles lay between

There was nothing that could be done

The sexuality was greatly stunted

Save for webcams that exchanged

Said the things that we would do

Were it not for thousand miles

The days of innocence would not last

Fell apart before a year

That night I'm sure you remember

The night you know changed it all

You claimed rape is what they did

I believe you at the time

You had no reason to lie to me

I loved you and you loved me

In the nights and days that passed

I often thought of that night

Things have often made no sense

Love had blinded but no longer

Were you raped on that night

By that bastard with a gun

You said they drugged you made you drink

But you were able to talk straight

I cannot know if it were true

It's gone to late cannot go back

And even if you were raped

It would not change one fucking thing

In some way I wish I knew

If you were really raped

I know it would not change a thing

And yet I still wish to know

Calm my mind and give me peace

Take away all that doubt

Would let me know if you were real

Alt least then when doubt was none

That Christmas came and New Year past

I was alone you did not come

That party took away that chance

Or at least that's what you said

And with new year that one year came

The anniversary of that day

When my love I first confessed

That love you claimed to return

We plot and planned once again

For that day we could meet

You said you loved me once again

Was it true I do not know

In the days that quickly passed

In the space of but a week

That love was over so you said

I do not love you is what you said

Broke my heart you did that day

Love could only go so far

Could not bridge a thousand miles

It seemed that love had finally failed

Strong I really tried to be

Tell myself that it would happen

Convince myself that my fault not

Did not listen to the signs

And yet to this day I find myself

Questioning those so-called signs

Were you really forced in to it

Was it really so-called rape

You called for help not long after

Begged forgiveness and claimed rape

People around me said not to listen

Ignored them I did and listened to you

Date in secret once again

For a time that was not long

Said you loved me once again

Said I loved you always still

And then the bombshell again was dropped

Carrying a child is what you said

My heart again broke into pieces

At the thought of a rapist child

Secret dating ended then

Gave up then rightly so

Could not win for no hope

Not when carrying rapist child

Tried to keep me in your life

Play the Godfather to rapist child

In your life I longed to be

For that reason I agreed

I wished to kill him in my wake

Watch the light leave his eyes

Gratification much I'd get

If he died by my hand

Days and nights went passing by

The truth spoke not but you or I

Fear for you in those days

Beat and kill you afraid he would

And then surprise one day bring

Free of him said you were

Could not believe it was true

Dream come true I felt it was

Our love started once again

Hope again there was again

That maybe you and I could be

Man and Wife one day be

The days went by very slowly

Long summer day talking much

Innocent you were no more

Older wiser I thought I was

Still I wondered to myself

Could you be real or maybe fake

Was it love or was it rape

Between you two at that time

Could I have known at the time

Should I have known at the time

A sign of things that were to come

Was all that became of that time

Still the love grew very much

At least that's what you told me

I believe you like a fool

Told you I love you once again

In those days I promise you

Father to him I would be

You agreed to let me be

Was not hard to say that

Soon the days of summer ended

To a school I walked in

First time in four years long

People around me once again

Relationships plenty all around

No long distance did they have

Single women for mine eyes

Second thoughts hit me hard

Thoughts deep down surfaced now

Were you honest were you lying

Started to think consciously

Harder it became day by day

Faithful to you I really stayed

Believe it or not I care not

Tempted time and time again

Did not fall for loved you so

In those days the love was weak

I knew that I could never leave

I knew that you would never leave

And then you did it once again

That day I remember to this day

Wanted out is what you said

Let you go I did not want

Let you go I so did want

Agreed to end things once again

Broke my heart only some

Single now I once again

In a place so new to me

You were dating within a week

I was single still in time

You were sleeping within a month

I was virgin until the end

There was someone in those days

Date her so wanted but could not

People thought that we were

People thought that we should

Do not know why we did not

Better off I'd probably be

Or maybe not I do not know

Like you cheating I'll never know

Days into weeks and weeks into months

Time moved on never ceasing

That steady army works against me

Hated us from the start

Loving you killed me so

You sleeping with him killed me so

When he left you were in pain

You in pain killed me so

Told me not to take you back

Two men you have been with now

Maybe more I do not know

Told me to avoid you like the plague

I know now I should have listened

Save myself from pain unfound

Leave before attached I became

Start anew with someone here

But I still loved you at the time

And back to you I gladly went

Again the words of love were said

Again the truth were you speaking

In those days so long ago

I do not know what you felt

Eight months pregnant with rapist child

Patience none did you have

And yet those words of love were said

Once again by all parties

I meant them every time

Sure as sun raise in East

As that sun would slowly rise

To it would I daily look

Wonder if you did the same

As the sun set in the West

Distance far between us lay

Far greater than any before or since

Four shy two by that time

Thought I knew you and you knew me

If I knew what was to come

If I knew the pain that followed

I would have left you like a smart

I would have never been a fool

Yet I did become a fool

Once again to you I ran

In my life your love again

I allowed like a fool

Eight months pregnant at that time

Father again I'd said I'd be

Thank you I love you is what you said

I love you too the fool I was

I wished I was there to be with you

Repeated words you said to me

I trusted you with my life

I trusted you with my heart

Said to you in many ways

How I felt inside my heart

They seem nice was all you said

If that much you said to me

I wrote you songs of my love

Remember them to this day

Play them sometimes dead of night

Better times remembered then

Day by day you ignored it all

Words of love could never fill

They never bridged that large gap

They never filled that large hole

Day by day the chances slimmed

Odd of us ever meeting

Hurt me then and hurts me now

Facing East as I write

Day by day the love grew dim

Admit it to myself did not

Knew the truth despite that

Love renewed I hoped would come

Day by day the day drew near

Day your son was to be born

Had always dreamt he would be mine

Was not to be so it seemed

In the space of a month

From the time I love you

To a son you gave birth

Remember it like yesterday

I could not be there to help you

Killed me more than thought possible

Perfect solution I thought I had

Need few weeks to make it work

In those weeks our love grew

At least I thought I could be wrong

With that in mind the plotting started

Once again only without you

Closer the day came around

Make or break me it would do

Only plan of which made sense

Or at least that would keep you

The day came after weeks

Christmas morn dawned bright and pure

Talked with you late that night

After presents and food consumed

Did not want to in this fashion

Wished to be there holding you

At the time when I spoke

Those five words old and pure

Will you please marry me

I asked you dead of night

Words spoke softly so not to wake

I knew my parents would kill me

You were silent for a time

Maybe seconds maybe days

With but a sigh you gave an answer

A soft yes was all you said

I did not think at the time

Of why you sighed at the time

From relief could it have been

I told myself at the time

In retrospect I should have known

Why you sighed when you did

I was young and innocent

You were not anymore

Nonetheless engaged you said

Nonetheless engage I said

Planned the wedding we both started

Double wedding in the sixth

And so the days turned to week

And so the weeks turned to months

End of second was our second

Swore to you we've many more

Spring break coming very soon

See each other we decided

You'd come here with your son

Family and I would put you up

That soon ended by the state

Stuck right there you would be

Change of plans I decided

I'd go there and be with you

And then that day I come to hate

Eighth of March two thousand eight

You were distant in the morn

Should have been the biggest clue

Worked myself almost to death

Please my father in all hopes

Pay my way to go there

Hold you finally in my arms

Broke my heart instead you did

Once again I'm not surprised

Can not love you anymore

Were the words you spoke to me

Numb I was to everything

Parents saying I told you so

Sisters caring not at all

Continuing living I wanted not

Fifth of vodka I consumed

Maybe more cannot remember

A nine inch nail I took in hand

Hurt myself that night I would

Against my throat I held it gently

Take the plunge I so wanted

End it all one last time

I so wanted to take the plunge

In the end I could not

Did not know why at the time

Nothing left there was for me

Only pain and broken heart

There were no calls or cries for help

In my mind that made you guilty

Talk with you I wanted not

Love you still I stupidly did

Time past slowly from that time

Take my life I tried again

Still could not make that move

Could not make that final cut

You alone knew my sides

Dark side weak side you knew them

Accepted both you so claimed

Do not know who else would

Day into week and week into month

Time marched on never ceasing

Tried to stop it really did

But time cannot be controlled

By that time with another

Best friend's husband you were with

Could not believe it was true

Knew it as over relationship was

Three years since that day have passed

To you my thought always go

Been my problem on every date

Compare them to you always do

All have failed in horrible ways

Wonder if it's because of you

Would not surprise me if that's true

For one I know is of you

First was "Helen" for a time

Five days shy of five months

Forget you I wanted above all

Tried with her I really did

Saw right through me she really did

Knew my intentions from day one

Could not be with the mess I was

Called it off to save herself

Can not blame her in retrospect

Friends instead we should have been

Thrown away in reckless gamble

Friendship again odds are not

After her came dear "Anne"

Doomed to failure from the start

Barely three months did we last

Before again single I was

And after her came "Rachael Sin"

The one with whom innocence lost

The one with whom your called ended

Remember that call I'm sure you do

Your son was killed by Child Killer

Nightmares you had at the time

Comfort you I so tried

Love me then she could not

Then biggest bombshell dropped on me

You knew what the Child Killer did

Arrested you not two days later

Never again have heard from you

I thought of you a lot since then

Just what lies have you told me

Did you ever love me so

Were two years nothing but lies

I once said I'd love you always

You once told me the exact same thing

I lasted through that impossible test

You dear "Tanya" always failed.