Tilted

I feel myself cracking at the edges

My smile tilted…

Everything is tilted…

But everyone else is living like they aren’t sideways

Is it just me?

One day I’m fine,

the tilt not so severe,

But the next I feel as if I’m in a funhouse

Everything looking and feeling wrong

Am I the only one?

“It’s ok. It’s not your fault”

“Oh I’m so sorry”

“The pain will pass”

“Maybe you should get help… you’re not yourself..”

I just want to be done with it… but there are constant reminders

It’s been 42 days since I lost them…

I’m counting the days, not by choice, but it happens anyways

And yet there’s still bleeding… still pain

And I try to move on, but I can’t

I’m feeling crazy… maybe not crazy, but tilted

Im tired of feeling wonky, of feeling wrong

But the harder I avoid it,

The more it attacks me with a vengeance, Turning my world upside down

When will I be ok?

There was a child growing in me

And now it’s not…

I tried to let it be that simple,

But then the bleeding never stopped

Why can’t I heal and move on…?

I have support.

I have so much love surrounding me…

But I feel myself retreating

All so they don’t have to see the cracks

Why can’t I stop crying?

I want so badly to be ok again

But maybe I have to accept

that my previous normal

will never be my normal again?

Why am I so afraid?

I’m painfully aware of the looks of pity and remorse

And so frustratingly aware of the questions that will come

But I can’t always set that fake smile on just right

Ironically if I’d just show the pain, maybe the questions would stop…

I don’t need space, but I’m forcing myself into being separated

I’m asked constantly if I want to try again…

And in the beginning, I said yes…

But now? When I’m certain it’s happening again?

I don’t want to try… it hurts more deeply than a knife

Why….?

My husband holds me tight,

But the lies in my head say he’s not holding me like normal.

Those lies are making the tilt turn into a spin

And I feel sick to my stomach in this topsy turvy fun house

When will I be fine?

I cry out to God,

And his answer is that I need to stop watching the storm

And as I look at him, I see him walking on water

And he tells me to keep my eyes on him

Can I walk on that water too?

As I keep my eyes on God ,

the spinning stops

And slowly the tilting is less severe

And I can breathe again