Pink & Blue Streamers

The cheers were loud, so loud,

but filled to the brim with joy

My floor is still covered by the pink and blue confetti,

Half-eaten cupcakes with pink-filling cover the table,

But in my bed, there is red lining my white sheets.

The cheers still ring in my ears,

Congratulatory texts and calls still fill my phone,

Because they don’t know…

But all I can see is red on white…

For months, friends and family flooded in their support,

Everyone wanted to share their excitement…

But what can I reply now…?

I’m shaking on the floor, tears pouring down my cheeks.

This isn’t how it was supposed to go…

I tear off the sheets, the agony in my chest unbearable,

My husband already left for work,

So even he doesn’t know.

I’m alone… utterly alone.

I know I should call the doctor…

I know I should…

But then that means it is final…

It means I’ve accepted the inevitable.

Yesterday there were golden streamers in my living room,

and now they hang lifelessly around me,

They have no purpose now…

And I feel as though I don’t either.

Yesterday I was going to be a mother…

But today, I hold the ruined sheets,

And the memories of hope for tomorrow

No one likes to talk about loss, so I won’t.

I wipe up my tears, calming the sobs,

And I fix up the bed, making it look nice and neat as I do everyday,

I do everything I would normally do…

I’m on autopilot, because nothing else matters.

I will put on a smile, though my eyes will be dead,

And my family and friends won’t know,

That my child’s life has already ended…

I don’t want their pity… and I don’t want their support.

I feel the sob coming back as I make dinner for my husband,

Because maybe if I act normal, he won’t sense the truth…

But I know that is a lie…

He feels my pain the moment he comes through the door.

We cry together, holding each other close.

Often husbands and wives don’t make it through the loss of a child,

But he and I will… this won’t be the end too.

My body is aching, I’d barely noticed there was still blood…

The days pass quickly and yet slower than ever,

Counting the seconds and minutes since my baby passed,

And my husband just held me, whispering encouragements.

But how do you move on when you’ve felt life move inside of you?

Months go by, and I feel so fragile that at any moment I could break,

But I don’t break.

Life goes on… and things get better.

And then I see the little plus sign again.

Nothing can prepare you for the excitement and pain

of a baby that comes after a loss,

every thought crowds in, screaming for attention,

But all you can do is listen to the voice you know is true.

My husband held me every night,

He cared for me through my fearful tears,

He supported me when I asked we keep the news quiet.

But this time when the party comes, there was only celebration.

Blue confetti shot out of our little cannon, with glitter mixed in,

And everyone shouted their praise and excitement.

There was joy in the air, and I danced in that joy

This time would be different… I hoped.

When the doctors handed him to me,

Tears flowing down my cheeks,

Warmth flowed through my whole body.

He was here… my rainbow baby.

There is so much pain after loss,

And yet so little is said,

So few words spoken to those who are hurting…

But there is still hope.

My hope was found in my boy’s sweet blue eyes,

And in the arms of my husband,

But wherever hope is found… hold it tight.

Because hope is bigger than loss or fear.