there is -love- in sickness

i loved you so much i was sick with it

i knew this because i fell too fast,

even when you never fell at all

you never had to smile or do very much

to have me; you had me

from the moment i saw you open your mouth and speak

the way i wished to, look how i wished to, know what i wanted to know

you were the precipice of my dream, the very essence

of my desired being—i wanted to possess you

i wanted to wear your body like a suit,

a slick sack of flesh stretched around my own,

soft, sick and sweet

i was akin to a starving animal,

wanting to consume everything i saw of you,

ravenous—hungry for you,

only for you

i bowed down and kissed the ring,

shiny and golden on your slender finger

yes, that cold metal of you—

scrape me open

make me shudder and shiver a wrack like death

make me feel at home in you

make me wish i could be wrapped around you forevermore

i’d put my salvation in your hands in an instant

i’d tell you to take me any way you’d have me, and

you would never be lonely again; you would never despair to be wrong

or disagreed with—you would never feel empty with my body at your side,

at your disposal

i told you i’d never tell

i’d keep you like a secret, a blackened promise, a piece of my heart,

a chiseled heat, a battered face,

a sacrifice poured out from my very soul

nobody would know

the shame of me

for you

i’d bear your harsh words like torches of flame,

lighting up the empty caverns of my walls,

and i’d treat your kind words like gospel, like law

i’d open up and take what you gave me,

whatever you gave me,

anything at all,

and i’d hack it down,

even with a smile on my broken face,

even with knives

sticking out from my gashed throat