The Ruins

My body wrestles with agony. It lasts for seconds, minutes coming and going for days. My insides are ruins, a history meant to forget. I do not even recognize myself–changed forever by the drugs meant to heal. Each one tastes like poison. I listen to the instructions and do what they tell me to, following them like religious scripture, never missing anything. My job is to protect me, to keep me alive. That was and still is my priority. Love. Love in any form does not exist for someone unrecognizable. Who reeks of toxicity. Whose breath smells like chemicals. Whose urine smells like antibiotics on a daily.

I am unlovable, unworthy, and still, you looked at me with a desire. You are the cool drops of water, bringing my dead flowers back to life. A once barren tree, I feel fruit hanging off my branches once more. Soft and full, they are heavy compared to the nakedness, I felt in the absence of leaves.

Is this how love feels? As your eyes dance with mine from across the waiting room of the infusion center. We do not speak. We do not touch. The air is palpable with a silence that only we understand. Do you know what you are signing up for with me? Do you know the cost of falling for someone like me? Are you ready for the sacrifice? The more I look, the more I am sure you are willing to pay the price.

You transport my mind to the ocean. There I am riding the waves, and like water, which never drowns, I stay afloat in your presence. I watch the sunset in your eyes, giving rise to an array of colors. I become an artist with a brush that longs to paint those colors onto my canvas. The whole room is set aglow with a fiery orange beckoning the stars to join us. Our bodies are still there, but our souls journey into the cosmos, existing in this alien world. A perfect vacuum for us where we become one with the stars. I see a protector in you, and how could I not fall in love with someone who strikes a match to my core?

You make me believe that you find something worthy in the ruins.

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