The Henchman

In my days of squandered youth, I spent precisely

One year as an anonymous henchman for

An evil genius. His plan of destroying the earth by funneling all the

Sunshine into a tiny, focused beam

Which would slice the planet

In half seemed to have some merit.

Especially because,

space

sunshine

funnel!

And, I had an anarchist streak at the time.

But mostly I thought being big and strong was

Pretty special, and I wanted to capitalize of my unique gifts.

Until I joined up and discovered

That big strong henchmen are ten a penny

And eminently disposable, which is almost a prerequisite.

Also it took me a year to discover that incompetence

Was not even looked down upon

Which suited me, as every hero I was ordered to murder

by unlikely lucky break, outsmarted me and got away

Which Dr. Slicer did not seem to mind

nearly as much as he perhaps should have.

There is a certain comfort in standing, menacingly against the wall

Arms folded, scowl prominent, nameless.

And a real actual genius gonna make all the choosing

Your only job just jump at “Hey you!” and try.

Sure, some days a hero socks you in the jaw

But that’s a small price to pay for three squares,

A health plan, and company credit card.

After the third destroyed sun-funnel, mansion in ruins

Dr. Slicer ranting in the foyer, and yet another hero gets her tickertape

Well I opted out of the contract

And took my name back.

Being big and strong is still pointless

But at least I don’t have to answer

To, “Hey you.”