the futility of forgetting

last night

i drowned out

your voice

with a ten-hour

livestream of

thunder and rain sounds.

it worked

for a total

of two seconds.

—-———————-

i smothered

my face

with a pillow

to stop

my mouth

from whispering

your name

to the universe

for the

sixteenth time

that day.

—-———————-

i placed

both thumbs

on the

hot burner

after cooking

your favorite meal

so i couldn't

text you

a song

i wanted you

to hear.

—-———————-

i told

my friend

i was busy

so i

could avoid

passing

the intersection

where we

kissed

at the red light.

—-———————-

i threw out

the clocks

in my home

because

i got tired

of knowing

exactly how long

it had been

since we

spoke.

—-———————-

i opened

every single

window

to let

the cold air

inside

so i

could have

goosebumps

again.

—-———————-

i threw

my remote

at the

television

because

the characters

in the movie

found their

way back

to each other.

—-———————-

i wrote

a grocery list

and somehow

ended up

writing

your name

between

red pepper

and tuna.

—-———————-

i didn't

use

a towel

to dry

my hair

because

i remembered

you once said

you liked

the way

my hair looked

when it

was wet.

—-———————-

i put

every contact

in my phone

on

do not disturb

except yours

even though

we don't talk

anymore.

—-———————-

i sat

in my car

in the driveway

for fifteen minutes

after turning off

the engine

because

you weren't

inside

waiting

to ask

how my day

was.

—-———————-

i held

my breath

when a car

that looked

like yours

passed me

even though

you live

three thousand

miles away.

—-———————-

i sat

in my garage

with the

lights off

and meditated

for two hours

to remember

what i

thought about

before

i knew you.

—-———————-

i couldn't

sleep

so i prayed

about you

and

dozed off

before

i could

even finish.

—-———————-

i covered

every mirror

so i

would stop

seeing

the face

of someone

you could

live without.

—-———————-

i made

two cups

of coffee

out of habit

and poured

yours

down the sink

before it

could cool.

—-———————-

i searched

the internet

for how long

it takes

to get over

someone

and laughed

when i read

it usually

takes half

the time

you were

with them.

—-———————-

i typed

the password

on my

phone

without knowing

the numbers

because i

only remember

it from

the letters

of your

name.

—-———————-

i bought

flowers

for the kitchen

and spent hours

pretending

they were you

opening up.

—-———————-

i started

a journal

and told myself

not to

mention you.

you're on

the first page.

—-———————-

i wrote

you

a letter

but didn't

mail it

because

i was

afraid

someone else

would open it

before you.

—-———————-

i went

to a museum

and stood

in front of

a painting

of two lovers

and the curator

asked if

i needed

anything.

i told him

ten more

minutes.

—-———————-

i bought

a new wardrobe

so that

you could be

the only person

who saw me

in my

old clothes.

—-———————-

i ordered

something

i didn't need

just so

i had

something

to look

forward to.

—-———————-

i said

i love you

into the air

to no one

and imagined

it was

your voice

saying it.

—-———————-

i wrote

my biggest

dreams

on the driveway

in chalk

just before

the rain

so i

could watch

something else

important

to me

fade away.

—-———————-

i went

outside

to look

at the moon

and remembered

the last night

we spent

under it.

—-———————-

i gave

the sun

a dirty look

because it

gets to

keep you

warm.

—-———————-

i watched

a three-hour long

documentary

about migratory birds

and envied

the certainty

with which

they knew

when

to leave.

—-———————-

i went

grocery shopping

and didn't use

a cart

because

nothing compares

to the

weight of

carrying you.

—-———————-

i saw

a company truck

that had

our initials

on it

and almost

sent you

a picture.

—-———————-

i entered

your city

into my gps

so i could

figure out

the quickest

states to

drive through

to get

to you.

—-———————-

i busted out

my art kit

and drew

a picture

of you

because

i can't bear

to look at

old photographs.

—-———————-

i went

to a

comedy show

and laughed

until

the comic

asked

who was

here with

somebody

special.

—-———————-

i stood

at the airport

and watched

the faces

of people

who knew

someone

was coming

for them.

—-———————-

i took

knitting

and sailing

classes

just to learn

the name

of the knot

that keeps

me tied

to you.

—-———————-

i went

skydiving

without

a parachute

because

i'd fallen

harder

before.

—-———————-

i bought

a two-pack

of toothbrushes

and chose

the ones

that were your

favorite colors.

—-———————-

i imagined

your face

at seventy

and realized

i was still

making plans

for a future

that isn't

promised.

—-———————-

i bought

a map

and placed

thumbtacks

on all

the countries

i'd want

to see

and drew

a heart

on the one

in which

i'd propose

to you.

—-———————-

i wrote

down

everything

i wanted

to tell you

and the ink

ran dry

in all

the pens.

—-———————-

i opened

the weather app

to see

if it was

raining

where you live.

it wasn't.

—-———————-

i counted

the freckles

on my arm

because

i couldn't

remember

if you

had any

on yours.

—-———————-

i read

twelve books

on communication

because you always

thought we

miscommunicated.

—-———————-

i listened

to an astrophysicist

give

a lecture

on black holes

just to

grasp

how something

so far away

can have

that much

pull.

—-———————-

i went

to a tailor

just to ask

if he

could measure

the distance

between

two people

who had

once fit

so perfectly

together.

—-———————-

i learned

how to say

the number

of days

it's been

since i've

seen you

in four

different languages.

—-———————-

i bought

a kite

and cut

the string

so i

could feel

something else

leave me

that easily.

—-———————-

i threw

my most

prized possession

into the ocean

just to see

if somethinig

i loved

would

come back.

—-———————-

i started

learning

the constellations

so when

i looked

at the sky

i could

call something

by its name

and know

exactly

where it was.

—-———————-

i called

my own

voicemail

to hear

what it sounded

like

when you

don't leave one.

—-———————-

i thrifted

a book

about

forgotten words

and was

disappointed

when there

wasn't a word

for missing

someone

who was

never really

yours.

—-———————-

i read

the side effects

on a bottle

of sleeping pills

just to

make sure

forgetting you

wasn't one.

—-———————-

i opened

the refrigerator

because

i was

hungry

and scanned

several minutes

for your

lips.

—-———————-

i did

a yoga class

that ended

with envisioning

a happy place

and i

thought of

your arms.

—-———————-

i bought

an anatomy book

and studied

the stomach

extensively

so i

could accurately

point

to where

it hurts

when

i miss you.

—-———————-

i sat

in a church

so He

might hear

your name

a little

clearer.

—-———————-

i listened

to a podcast

about breaking patterns

and i

still wrote

your initials

on the

shower glass.

—-———————-

i stopped

stressing out

about my phone

not being

charged

because

i know

i won't hear

from you.

—-———————-

i spent

the entire day

finding things

to do

to keep

myself

from thinking

about you

until i

realized

i had spent

so long

missing you

that i

was afraid

of who

i’d become

if i

stopped.