The Dreaded Dichotomy of Youthful Idealism VS Middle-age Nihilism

“You are a Tourist” by Death Cab for Cutie

Death Cab’s “You are a Tourist” blares out of his car’s tinny speakers,

Much like a tourist he roams the streets of his own town,

with his trusty backpack in tow,

Always curious, always looking up up UP as he walks -

Soaking in all information that he finds, even

The miniature depth of the cracks in the sidewalks,

Much like an inquisitively sniffing hound,

He may not have peed on poles (well much)

But life was interesting, people fascinating and

there was so much to observe -

People on the busy streets waiting for buses,

The shapes of the tall buildings, particularly the heritage ones,

What’s going on behind the top window of that one?

And the next and the next, he thinks.

Lost in these mundane meanderings, but strangely,

And entirely in his present moment.

***

Trodding down the University’s steps,

just outside the Barr Smith library and

Clasping the straps of his backpack to his chest,

Not just for comfort but for security,

After all it was filled with such staples as novels, sweets and Coke,

Always prepared for a day trip of study in the city.

Occasional chats with a few pals he’d met prior to starting Uni,

In the sometimes lonesome and long breaks in-between classes,

He thinks about times of old - the yesteryear,

Friendships he’d lost, that nagging disconnect

he sometimes feels with humans,

as if he were a new species entirely,

But then soon forget and be engaged in a Psych or English lecture,

Or occasionally, if break times allowed, squeeze in a film at Palace Nova.

Thinking, growing evolving,

For the most part, ideologically at peace - and

Happy for the future.

Anxiety reigned at times, but I don’t think he labeled it this back then,

He was more focused on improving his ‘waverley’ moods

with natural supplements,

He exerted a quiet measure of confidence and youthful enthusiasm,

Something that now, looking back,

He hasn’t had for a very long time.

***

More than a few years had passed.

At some dreaded point, the switch is flipped from idealism to nihilism!

When exactly does it occur? Do you know?

Can you tell me? Can you tell HIM?

We don’t have long, the circuitry is busted and requires repair ASAP!

Was the change sudden, or a purely sub-conscious alteration?

(and who flipped it?)

Or was it simply, undeniably a part of an evolving brain,

A culture or constraining environment,

that no longer serves him, you, me, US.

It swallows us all whole munching and crunching on your

clean and tidy bones -

until, your idealism and beautiful dreams are wiped out!

Misplaced meaning, which begs the question:

Where do you place yours?

The culture and once wistful environment is now threatening,

The cracks in the sidewalk now deathly ominous,

The people blank-faced, or is it simply a projection of his own?

Everywhere he looks he is plunged into this construction of

Playing a role.

You too play a role in this construction (whether you like it or not)

You’re not completely without blame, none of us are,

After all, it’s reaction formation to sublimate fear!

So please don’t feel alarmed.

For him, they are now just ridiculing threats, taunting him,

into the worse possible version of himself.

There’s NO WAY back home NOW! It tells him. Forget about it!

Steadfast in indifference,

A banal service to the devil,

Don’t turn back home, just the

Repetitively tortuous road ahead,

Can real wisdom ever be attained?

We’re uncertain, but we do know his circuitry is cooked,

“Help me someone, anyone, please!

I want out NOW!” -

I have to change something..

And then -

SNAP!

****

A few more years pass after the collapse,

Biding his time, waiting to be whole,

Yet if he took the blinders off for just one second,

He’d see that he is now growing in all kinds of new,

And unexpected directions,

Surely, equaling the sum of one’s parts across time.

I’d tell him “It is not all over quite yet”,

The spaces of his heart still burn a little,

a soft cracking, an ebbing and flowing -

It is not all over quite just yet…

* Thanks for reading my poem. If you liked it, please let me know by hitting the heart or provide some feedback below. Many thanks.

You can also check out my recent poem “Sacred Space” here: