The Day I Realized That My Life Had No Inherent Meaning
Spoiler Alert, It Sucked
There is no God.
I had decided the week before
But it was not until that night that the implications truly made themselves known
There is no God, there is no heaven then when I die there is nothing
I am not here for any particular reason, my life has no meaning beyond my mere existence
And what if I do not exist?
I’m lying in my bed, petrified that my entire life will fall away into an abyss of black oblivion if I so much as move
My feet are on the floor, it’s cold.
I’m terrified that if I close my eyes I’ll be dead and then that’s it and I’m gone, Oh God I only have one life that’s not enough time.
I overload my senses.
Turn on the lights, turn on the radio, pinch myself a gain and again and again and again and again and again
I have to stay grounded
I have to stay in this world
My family are all going to die
Or what if they’re already dead, what if they died in the night and I don’t know yet
I need to check
No but what if I open my door and it’s just black and I fall into nothingness
I need to sleep, I have school tommorow
But what’s the point of going to school, I have no idea when I’ll die, why should I waste my time sitting in a desk
I’m going to die I’m going to die I’m going to die
I don’t want to die
I want to die
Everybody dies
I don’t want them to die
I cry myself half to sleep
The day after I realized my life had no inherent meaning.
My life still has no meaning
But least I don’t fall into a black nothingness when I opened my bedroom door
But the sun is still shining, the air is still crisp and cold, the wind still rattles my window pane
The trees are still there and their leaves are still changing
I suppose that they too are dying, in a way
We all are
But slowly
Everything is
The Universe included
Myself included
My family hasn’t died in the night, life is normal for them
Their world’s are still intact
They have not had a crushing realization last night
And If I try to talk to them, as much as they love me, they will not understand, so nothing has changed there either
And my sister is still my sister and she still refuses to walk to school with me and my best friend who is still my best friend
Who still laughs with me on the way to school
The road is still paved and the potholes are in exactly the same places as they were yesterday
And school is still a drag except when it isn’t
And my math teacher is still the bane of my existence
And my history teacher still thinks I need to “apply myself”
And my drama teacher still thinks I’m doing just fine
And the Universe is still chaotic, but still constant
And the world is still beautiful despite the fact that God is dead
And music still sounds as sweet
And there is floaty beardy man sitting in a cloud judging my every action
And I am Free
About the Creator
Bea Jaymes
I think I'm here to tell you who I am///personal essays
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