The Changes of Color

The Colors of Change

What color am I?

Born in San’ Diego, with little knowledge of the roots from where my seed was planted! A swift change from the East to the North, drastic in many measures! Evasive, yet forcefully moved from place to place. Young, tiny, confused, eager, overwhelmed, excited to see what or where to next!

Concentrating and contemplating on the value of my own worth! Why is he like this? So angrily complacent, volatile aura, rushing at me like a dagger! Striking deathly blows with his every word! Poking at every angle of my mind that comes to his mental. Is he mental??!! Will it later affect me? Will I one day in life be succumbed to such a toxic aggressive state! Will my DNA reveal the same incoherently reckless trait? Will I grow to be hated by many and not even loved by myself? Or, will life reveal to me that my thinking, that this thought process, is my test! That the outcome of his negligence will be a victorious one! A test that proves my compilations from my observations will be the only thing to save me! Attempt to murder was a thought, death will be my well wishes! Pfft! He’s not worth it. If I proceed this way I will end up the same, so I changed!

What color am I?

To think of love at first sight! To imagine a life as blissful as Disney proclaims it to be! All too eager to grow up and see! Woke up one morning, somewhere in the middle East! Scorching dusk with freezing dawns, sandstorms followed by gun fights! Critical thinking and careful planning would get us through the nights! Planned meals, planned sleeps, short showers, bottled water to brush your teeth!! Haha, I forgot this one time and never did I repeat! I was shitting for weeks! Valuable lessons!

Barely any time of my own, barely getting 3 full hours of sleep! Resting with my rifle, my pistol, my knife! My weapons, oh, how they comfort me and they comfort me and they comfort me!

Alas, reunited with a “civil” land and “civil” people! I made it back home!! At least that’s what its supposed to be, where is my family! …Come on old friends!! Pour up a Drink!! Hello??…..Where did they go?

What color am I?

Raising a child when I’m a child myself! This is my first time and the last, Please, anyone, help!! Or not!...Its cool, I’ll figure it out! I always do!

How lucky am I, to be blessed with such a gentleman! Almost a complete replica! Oh no, a replica, another me...am I ready? So curious, so goofy and adorable!!! Heart eyes!!! I love him to his core!! Always protected, never left on the curb. Time to leave, time to explore, time to find passions and shake up the world! Time to fall and fail and be reborn! Time to find out who you are, go and grow and push yourself to your limits! I did it! He’s awesome!! I did it!!!

What color am I?

Financial freedom...momentarily! Wasn’t taught how to manage this much money!! Come to think of it, wasn’t taught how to manage any!

Shopping with impostors, or supposed friends, being too nice because nice always wins!!!

Blah!...Meh!!

Spare me, show me some “sin”!!! That is what’s in! That is what’s enticing! That is what excites me!!

… O.K.! Too much sin….Geesh!! Calm it down a little!...Calming down takes patience, patience is acquired over time. Time is the only uncertain thing in my life! I won’t calm down but I will change the perspective and try to get aligned! I will acknowledge that if I hadn’t “sinned”, I would neither know what it is or how to approach/sway away from its seduction. I would not be able to identify when “the time or place” would be a relevant thought, action or statement. I would not know if that person is the right one for me! I would not know a lot of things! Useful tips that I’ve acquired, countless people I’ve had to retire! Sweet, savory, satisfying, genetically formulated, scientifically explained, painfully pleasurable “sin”!!!! I vow to respectfully change my view to a more positive and beneficial perspective but, I pledge to proceed with my vision! To stray away from something I feel so strongly about would be unlikely and not like me.

NEVER!! NO!! NEVER!!!

I will forever be who I am and no one has to accept me! My mind always keeps me company!

What color am I?

I am a Queen with many crowns! Each of which pertaining a jewel created from ambiguous decisions. One may look at me and think that I am not worthy, but they’ll learn different without me teaching! Bearing the weight of my family, my ambitions, my failures, my insecurities, my desires all on my shoulders! Balance is the goal.

To constantly shift the weight that takes its toll on my lower back. To be here and be there all at the same time. To conquer and divide and make space so that I’m well-aligned! A Queen! Yes! A Queen in the present day! I do not desire nor require tons of make-up to make an impression. I do not need a ton of piercings to practice transgression! I need not to wear skin-tight clothing for my curves to show. I do not need these things but if I want to I will wear them! I am perfect as I am! Walking tall with my head held high! Waving at strange people as they pass by! Wondering, what do they want, what is their angle, do they have an angle? Suspicion and paranoia clouds my mind. Where is my outlet? I can hear everyone talking but when can I talk? Who can I talk to?!! This head is heavy and why does the crown have to be so damned big!! The crown is a gift, bestowed upon few, figure it out or give it back!

Signed: Q.

What color am I?

I think I like him but not like I like her! She makes me blush when she’s not even around! Who does that? I can feel her when she is miles away. Her smell!! Oh, God her smell!! Her smell gives me a nasal orgasm that trembles through my body, forcing every hair poking out of me to stand at attention! The warmth of her words, when she comforts me...I believe her! Captivated by her intelligence, her charm, her vulgarity, her fearlessness! Trapped in an everlasting bond that we both wholeheartedly tried to destroy, only to make us closer than before. Facing the reality that this may be a forever thing. Hurting one way, expressing it in another! Shock and frustration surface from the inevitable pain. Feelings! Ha! Who needs to? Emotions; throw them away! Don’t call me. I do not want to do anything, I’m just not in the mood to play!! To see and touch what I want but not have it! Ow, the aches and the pains..I do not like this feeling. Forcefully accepting the harsh reality of my immature era. If only I finished that time machine...Dammit! Oh well, what can I do but be present! I have to accept, I have to adjust, I have to alter the perspective so that it correlates with my current reality. Maximum effort!! Ha!! (Wipes hands) I got rid of...Hey! Your still here...but why?

Friends, true friends, finally someone that will fight me to stay around me! Someone who will appreciate and love me no matter what I do or say! She can see me and I can see her! Immaturity is in my past, I too value and appreciate what we have! Lovers for a season but friends for light years and beyond! This friendship has really just begun!! Heart eyes!

What color am I?

Grown, sophisticated, ambitious, beautiful, vibrant, mysterious, classy, observant, self-reliant and efficient in my craft! In-tuned with the universe. So connected, in fact, that when I speak to it, it speaks back! Actions and sometimes words are displayed, giving me what I want and only taking what I need! Vision!! Gaining a third eye without even joining various organizations! Speaking to the beast inside of me. Humbling myself to say the least! “What's understood don’t have to be explained”!

I’m not going to argue, now I’m bored of this conversation, rid me of your pestilent aura! I’m over it! I’m over you! Next!!

Maybe it is me! Maybe it isn’t! Maybe it is the fact that my life will surely go through changes! These changes will obtain seasonal things and people! Change is both necessary and required. Embrace it, do not be afraid, change will come whether I am ready or not!

What color am I?

I am not a color, I am a person. I have love, lost, fought and gained. I am present just as you are; in the same time and in the same space.

I am not a color, I am a person. I have eaten at the same table as you, we have breathed the same air!

I am not a color, I am a person! I am gay, I am straight. I am whatever you are, because we relate!

I am not a color, I am a person. Somehow, I’m defined by my skin and not from what’s within!

I am not a color, I am a person! I am rich, I am poor! I’m apart of a fluctuating market that showers itself with toxic spores!

I am not a color, I am a person. I’ve been beaten and raped before but not by the man or the Klan. It was those, that lived right next door.

I am not a color, I am a person. I know you’ve heard this before! Halt all judgments and stereotypes before I even walk through the door!

I am not a color, I am a person. I am strung out on drugs. I party with all races, some more fortunate than others!

I am not a color I am a person of many different descents. I am proud of who I am and I embellish my indifference with the many attributes that my character grants!

What color are you?

C.S.B.

5/6/21