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tell me something good

an enjambment

By Mesh ToraskarPublished 5 months ago Updated 5 months ago 1 min read
9
tell me something good
Photo by Adam Littman Davis on Unsplash

we saw them coming

a black brush-stroke in the distance

flooding the concrete sidewalk

these unhinged ants

carrying over fifty times their weight

but it’s often brothers not

breadcrumbs that get carried

home and by home I mean into

tomorrow when we will still have

today that a mother sinking

becomes a life raft that today ends

anywhere and these corpses with arrow

heads in their backs means they’re finally

soft and our past tense is not long

er than the present

it’s been a long time since

time since we tried so see us begin

again and forget to rewrite

history forget to add light to the

room in the poem about our heroes

and see them dig deep for verses dug

deeper than our ancestors how hunger only

breeds doomed missions think of Eve ha-ha

and how she learnt to dance

in a graveyard in the rain

how pretty is it to be made

to fall to touch the world only

to die but we’re young

and we’re alive what a time to be alive

we were made to die but we’re here to stay

***

social commentarysurreal poetrysad poetry
9

About the Creator

Mesh Toraskar

A wannabe storyteller from London. Sometimes words spill out of me and the only way to mop the spillage is to write them down.

"If you arrive here, remember, it wasn't you - it was me, in my longing, who found you."

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Outstanding

Excellent work. Looking forward to reading more!

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  • Poppy 5 months ago

    This was incredible and that ending line was tattoo worthy!

  • This was deep, emotional and thought provoking! You did such a brilliant job on this!

  • The inanities of unbridled youth, seeing all that surrounds them to be untouched by but masters & mistresses of every last bit of it. "We're here to stay...," ...until.

  • Mackenzie Davis5 months ago

    GOD I’m sorry for the length! First reading: I was trying too hard to understand, so halfway through, I just read it line by line. I think it’s brilliant. Experimental, yes. But it hits at emotions first, and logic/understanding second. Those asterisks at the end…meant to evoke ants? An experiment in enjambment. I love the word enjamb. And definitely, this is a cool experiment to behold. I like the breathless nature of the lines bleeding and spilling. Implied commas are there, but some lines don’t have that sense at all and require a pause and a rereading. (" The symbolism of ants is quite an interesting read. I’m thinking you intended them to mean something more logical than "the souls of babies that had died before they were baptized." Unhinged ants would be quite possibly the terrifying inverse of "bravery, strength, and teamwork." Twisted in all regards. I would be screaming if they came marching toward me in a flood like you describe. I love the implication that ants follow breadcrumbs, look like breadcrumbs, and lead the way home. Yet, they’re unhinged…Dipping into my interpretation below, it’s like they’re unhinged because of their violence and terrifying strength. Are they carrying home the dead bodies or are they the cause of the dead bodies? I’m inclined to think it’s the former. (Forgive any of my misinterpretations) "it’s often brothers…| that get carried | home…into | tomorrow" + "you will still have | today that a mother sinking |becomes a life raft that today ends |anywhere" — To me, these lines (I shortened them to streamline my thoughts) pull together an image of war, like the drowning mother fearing the worst outcome for her son. But then we see the brothers carried home the next day. The following line "and these corpses with arrow heads in their backs" implies they’re carried home dead, and that the life raft was potentially the hope of their survival (perhaps the unfounded comfort by her family, the speaker, perhaps) and the desire for "today" to end anywhere except tomorrow. Ooh. Am I right? I just got a strange sensation… "these corpses with arrow | heads in their backs means they’re finally | soft" — Whoa. That is completely new, that image. Of a corpse to be soft, not stiff? Of a body to "finally" be soft, as if the stiffness was reminiscent of life? I just got an image of a solider, stiff with command. OMG. The underlying truth of this poem is quite quite heartbreaking, Mesh. I hope I’m exaggerating some of my understanding. "and our past tense finally is not long | er than the present" — This line continues on about time until the line that concludes with "ancestors." This whole section is wow. I get the sense that whatever has stopped the brothers, caused them to become soft, finally, is the stopping place for the past tense’s continued existence, something that the person in the present tense would like to put behind them, even when it was their present. That seems to be corroborated by the next lines "it’s been a long time since | time since we tried so see us begin | again." I simultaneously feel that the way you’ve chosen to enjamb these lines holds a few different meanings. I like this reading: "It’s been a long time since time, since we tried. So see us begin again." It doesn’t really make grammatical sense. But the meaning is there: The speaker has permission to finally address the past and start over, time has begun to work normally again. Trying is possible, as the force preventing has ceased. "and forget to rewrite | history forget to add light to the | room in the poem about my heroes" — By beginning again, we are forgetting to rewrite history, to light up the heroes. Is this good or bad? I’m leaning toward the interpretation that the first one is good and the second one is bad (good and bad used loosely). I love the idea that we’re so busy beginning again that we forget these things. Is history to be rewritten, when it made us who we are? Are heroes best left in the darkness? I feel I could understand both sides of both arguments. "see them dig deep for verses dug | deeper than my ancestors" — The heroes be looking for their dues, eh? I love this image, putting ancestors before heroes, yet seeing the heroes demand more, as though your esteem of them matters more than your existence. It’s playing nicely into the theme above, surrounding brothers and corpses and the past finally slowing down. The heroes are the wrong path. Let them sink into darkness until they’re needed again. Raises the question: who are the heroes, what are they needed for? Oh shit, this section about Eve… "how hunger breeds doomed missions think Eve ha-ha | and how she learnt to dance | in a graveyard in the rain | how pretty is it to be made | to fall to touch the world only | to die." — Plays into your overarching theme so goddamn well. That question of existence and purpose. Your choice phrase "doomed missions" hearkens back to the ant soldiers. Hunger…for what? For justice, for knowledge? Eve’s hunger was curiosity, which is more innocent. What was the brother’s hunger? Learning to dance should be joyous, but it’s in a graveyard…the graveyard for her future death, or for others’? I like the former, which connects to the line "to touch the world only to die." Dancing in ignorance of your mistake, perhaps. Rejoicing prematurely in victory over the enemy? Calling it "pretty" "to be made to fall" is an interesting line there. Is it sarcasm? I feel like sarcasm would be correct, but I also see the beauty in ephemeral existence. Your poem doesn’t seem to accept it fully, however. "but we’re young | and we’re alive what a time to be alive | we were made to die but we’re here to stay" More optimistic than before. I could see the speaker changing their mind on the nature of existence, its purpose, and the beauty or ugliness of being made to fall, to die. What a time to be alive…adds a question of sarcasm again, but also provides a space for further thought on what could be killing the youth, all the possible causes. I like the nuance in "we’re here to stay" which is set up against "we were made to die." They conflict. But do they? Adds a spiritual dimension, and again, I am thinking about the ants and their symbolism. Strength, bravery, teamwork? Are the youth unhinged too? Fantastic work, as always. I probably spent two hours in total digesting this and writing this comment. So sorry for the length (Wow) but it was worthy of a full analysis. I think the enjambment adds to the stream of consciousness feel, but adds a layer of stilted thought too, as if the speaker cannot fully reconcile all of their thoughts, is partially processing, and might be iffy on a few points because of certain emotions, like grief and overwhelming loneliness, despite the "we" voice which fades into the background more than I expected it too. In other words: you are a genius, and I love that you’ve posted two things so close together. Much more to say! I’ve started us off well. ;)

  • Nice 👍❤️📝

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