Missed Connections
1) Starbucks; Newport Beach, CA: Your hair was too blond, your tan too bronze, your teeth too white, and your tits too big. You spoke in infantile squeaks, and ended sentences, both declarative and interrogative alike, with verbal curtsies. You sent your order back thrice. I was the hairy-chested, gin-blossomed Palm Beach prick in the salmon polo shouting at the mousey 16YO cashier over sold-out scones. I'm a moneyed malignant narcissist in the market for a purely transactional relationship. I pronounce “w” words with an “h” preface. I drive my Tesla like I just left a 3-martini lunch, which is often the case. Of course, “TRUMP” bumper stickers adorn it. Stick around, you’re sure to see a COP kick my ass when I try to impose my “master of the universe” delusion upon him as he's cuffing me for DUI.