Sunshine

"Sunshine." That was what my Mother always called me.

Her little ray of light and joy,

The one that cleared up the darkness in our family,

The darkness in hers.

Her one and only baby.

She sang me the songs,

Always talked about the joy I brought.

When I was little, free and happy,

I embodied it.

The vibrant rays of yellow and orange,

The colors of a brilliant sun,

The light of joy and laughter and passion.

Things shifted, the older I grew.

My family always did its best to self destruct,

The brilliant colors that one represented happiness and love, now nothing more than warning signs.

The light got snuffed out in each of them, one by one, letting their darkness, shadows of their mistakes and pasts consuming them.

And like moths to flames, the light inside me became a homing beacon to them.

Some of them depended on me to bring back that light, to pull them out of the darkness.

Others in the family tried everything they could to snuff it out of me, so I'd fall into the same pit that had been trying to swallow me with them.

I seldom heard the name "Sunshine." as I grew, as the arguments and fighting waged on between my Mother and I.

And then never again after she was gone.

I cloaked myself in my own darkness, wrapping it around myself in the tightest of blankets, and let an inky black linger in my soul.

I was never going to be anyone's' "Sunshine" again. Not when the pain had cut into the deepest parts of myself. Not when the destruction and red hot anger and venomous green jealously poisoned the things around me, and tried to claw at me, pull me down with them.

In the last three years since I lost her, since I last heard my childhood name, things changed.

I found joy in the people who I now call my chosen family.

There is an unwavering support and endless love between us, with new adventures and laughter along every step of the way, even through the roughest of times.

I found care and support in the arms of a man I love endlessly, who looks at me like I shine brighter than any star, and wraps me in his calming blue love every single day.

I found my passions again. Crafting my stories with care, painting each chapter with its own rainbow of life and light. I sing in the car with the music turned all the way up.

I stop and see the golden hues of sunflowers, and feel a sense of peace.

I stop and feel the sun on my skin.

While it doesn't wash away all of the shadows that haunt me, that I carried on from generations of darkness, it lightens the load.

I'm not alone.

"Sunshine." That was my identity.

"Sunshine." That is what I've had to make for myself, every day, to heal, and feel the gold in my veins once more.

"Sunshine." That is what the love and joy my loved ones give me is as brilliant as.

"Sunshine." Is what I'll always strive to be for myself.