Struggling to Find Authentic Content About Pets

My poem is about PetHelpful’s drastic changes after The Arena Group (now called Paradium.AI) took full control of the site. Originally, the pet-centric articles were written on HubPages; PetHelpful was created to host HP’s most popular animal hubs.

For years, people contributed to PetHelpful; all they needed was an HP account and to pass an editorial round. Now, staff and hired freelancers write the articles. And to a certain extent, AI.

My poem has a variety of emotions cascading through it; at times, it frolics in comedic dalliances and other times it yields to the reality of poignancy and melancholy. It’s meant for a few laughs, but underneath is something brooding and twisted…

The characters mentioned in the poem can be found on the pet site. All of the article titles and quotes found in the poem are real. Amazingly so.

An Original Poem About a Pet Website

Digging through endless ads,
videos of dogs dancing and howling,
headlines about coupons,
a fake writer dominates
the Ask an Expert section
with such harrowing topics as:

(1) How to Get Dogs to Stop
Peeing On Your Lawn,
According to an Expert,

(2) What Not To Do
If You Find Bunnies
In Your Yard, According to
An Expert,

(3) 10 Surprising Words
That Can Send Dogs
Into Overdrive,

(4) How to Keep Mosquitoes Away
From Your Yard (And
the #1 Thing Not to Do),

(5) Want To Help Save the Bees?
Start In Your Own Backyard,

(6) Found a Wasp Nest?
Don’t Make This Mistake,

(7) Why Your Cat Follows You
From Room to Room, According
To An Expert.

Why does the fake writer
insist on her expertise?
Why do her stories
so frequently mention yards?
Is that a highly sought-after
word or chain in SEO?

Clickbait, short moments
uploaded to Instagram,
jumping on the success
of fleeting TikTok videos,
stories that barely count
as stories but more like —
so that happened for five seconds
while I watered the flowers.

Almost every article on this site,
regardless of who uploaded it,
has the same blasé voice:
it’s by someone amazed (if not entirely
sarcastically) by dogs
barking, cats napping, and birds
flying. This strange capitalistic void
covers over two real experts:
the veterinarian
and the dog trainer,
both of whom I respect.

The professionals’ hard work
has been buried in the endless sea
of assembly-line cut-and-pasted anecdotes.
The experts were brought over from
the original website, where people,
once upon a time ago,
shared stories about their pets
rather than someone else’s
they’d never met.

A website where I once
poured out my heart, writing
about my cat who needed
emergency bladder surgery,
who I was afraid would die,
praying his surgeon would save him,
the weeks giving him pills,
cleaning up the messy bathroom
after he’d spread cat litter everywhere
because he’d jump in his box
head first with his cone on,
scooping all the clumps, flinging it
to the ceiling, raining down dust,
spreading waste everywhere.

Early evenings
spent in the bathtub, in my
work clothes, as the gray and white cat
sprawled across my lap,
his little belly partially shaved.

People read those prayers.
They needed words to get them through
their worst days, scariest moments,
the sudden chapter changes.
They found my page
when they were in parking lots,
holding their breath, waiting
for answers about their cat’s
sudden inability to hold in their pee.
We wrote to each other
about our animals who survived
and those who didn’t come home.

A community caked over
in stock photos, the old articles
with hundreds of comments,
replaced with fast-spun tales
with little to no reply.
Almost all of the new comments
are crafted by one person,
and to amusing effect:

“I always see baby bunnies
in my yard,” written by Morgan M.
“My dog reacts to a lot of these words
when she is excited,” posted by Morgan M.

“I wish I had more bees in my yard,”
responded Morgan M.
“I was so nervous when I found
a wasp nest near my front door,”
reflected Morgan M.

“My cat loves to follow me around,”
divined Morgan M.
“I feel like Goldens and Labs
can be easy to mix up,” muttered Morgan M.

I think we can all tell
Morgan M just really loves
to read from the author
who has two connections on LinkedIn,
a writer who posts at the speed
of a hummingbird with two thumbs
and a typewriter. Morgan M
has the amazing ability to write
something and say absolutely nothing,
and agree 100% with her bestie,
Kathleen Joyce.

“It can be so hard
to get raccoons to leave
your porch. I’ll have to try
these tips!” — Morgan M

Yes, Morgan. I look forward
to reading more about how you
applied Joyce’s tips
to eject raccoons
from your porch. Pictures, please.
Also, do seek help if one bites you.
Foaming at the mouth
is a sign of rabies. I’m sure Joyce
has five tips for how to handle
rabid animals.

Here’s to hoping you’re
pro-vaccine,
because you can’t
expect your immune system
to beat rabies. By the way,
stitches are normal
after a raccoon attack; here’s a list
of the best hats to wear
after getting mauled
by a trash panda.

We eagerly await
your response, Morgan M.
We all want to know,
did Joyce’s raccoon tips help you?

The poem was originally published on Medium.