Stolen by The Worldwide Dick Eater

Covid dick! It ain’t no myth

And today I am done pleading the fifth

Yes it’s true, though it might come as a shock:

Corona really can shrink your damn cock!

And this sort of loss can leave a fella feeling quite low

I wish I couldn’t say “believe me… I know”

See, I caught covid, and I got real sick

Then that virus ate an eighth of my dick

That fucking germ

The thought makes me squirm

It nibbled away an inch of my worm

Like Yellowstone without old faithful

I’ve still got the beans but I mourn for the beanpole

Now im sure how you can see

Why I’m here writing this strange elegy

An inch might not sound like such a big deal

But come on now, people! let’s be real

I’m mourning a loss around thirteen percent

And I’m left here wondering where my oldest friend went

Now Its not like I had a monster dong

But I liked what I had— is that so wrong?

Covid 19 really did me dirty,

Never thought I’d have dick problems in my thirties

But I know it’s not the worst thing of all time

To end up less than I was in my prime

There are other symptoms I really should complain about first

Like how my brain and lungs took a turn for the worse

And remember covid literally killed other folks

So who am I to lament a shrunk poke?

The problem is that little, lost part of me

It factors in to my psychology

And I admit, this fate makes me cuss

Cuz, though I’m still me I’m also less than I was

To this day I am haunted by my phantom limb:

That one favorite inch, which The Worldwide Dick Eater stole on a whim

And part of me worries; can I still make a woman feel good?

Well… this isn’t the end, for I’ve long understood

It’s not all about the wood

Yes, this loss may be far from ideal

But things tend to work out

For those who love eating out

Like it’s our last meal

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Authors note:

I kinda just wanted to laugh about this situation, so I wrote it up as a dirty/ comedic elegy for the “After It’s Gone” Vocal Challenge :)

I know “comedic” and “elegy” are sort of contradictions in terms. But 🤷🏻‍♂️

Maybe it works.

If you’re curious about the biological mechanisms (or failures) that explain how this sort of change may occur, here’s a brief explanation on some of the possible science behind this unhappy trend.