Spoken Word #3

It's not a picture or video, so it's not really porn.

What you're doing isn't wrong, you're just getting prepared for marriage.

You don't want to screw up your wedding night, do you?

If these fictional characters can do it, why are you so scared?

Literary porn; call it cliterature, call it erotica, but that's what it really is— pornographic literature.

You don't know you're sinning, and it starts with something you think is insignificant — for me it was lemons, fanfictions with sex. I'd always read them whenever I was down in the dumps, trying to get a quick fix out of my frigidness.

But it wasn't enough; soon I started to skip over the whole storyline and only read the sex parts, by then I could be reading and re-reading those parts while my parents watched serves online.

But again, it wasn't enough.

So I started looking at sexy anime scenes on YouTube.

When that failed, I tried masturbating with mom's lubricant.

That didn't work.

It wasn't enough.

At some point, I guessed if I kept doing what I was doing, I'd never feel eternal joy, but rather temporary happiness.

*****

This is the part you think I tell you I'm peachy perfect.

That since then life for me has been smooth sailing.

You're wrong.

So wrong.

I still struggle. I starve. I thirst. I feel pain.

I still question sex and its motives and whether my purpose is just to bear children.

But once I dropped that addiction, it's been easier.

Goodbye, pornography.