Sorry I'm a Train Wreck

These are my most straight-forward confessions to go with all the other poems that I'll probably never show you anyway...

All of my reasons, all my excuses, for all of the things I'll never be able to undo or unsay

There was this perfect storm in my life that helped me ruin everything and once again get in my own way

I should have known it was doomed from the start, I made a fool of myself from the very first kiss outside the café

I'd had long-term relationships before, but I'd honestly never clicked like this, I thought the pieces had all fell into place

I was falling with no one to catch me because I thought it was mutual, but that wasn't the case

I was pushing so hard and trying to rush it so much you'd have thought it was an Indy 500 race

It was too quick, too intense, I thought I was falling in love, but I ended up falling right onto my face

I got way too comfortable too fast even though at first I tried to be cautious and I was hesitant

I can't read you, and I couldn't quite tell if you were into me, then I completely misread the extent

The quality of my choices has often sucked, but the quantity of offers has been large and frequent

I don't know how to say this next part without sounding like a conceited bitch, but I hope you understand that's not my intent

I'd just never gone out with someone who didn't want to lock it down, so I didn't know how to respond

On some level I kind of assumed I could take my choice of who I wanted, but you reality checked me and proved me wrong

Paradoxically, my self-esteem wasn't the greatest before, and I only got more insecure and awkward from that point on

I wasn't used to doing the pursuing, but I knew I wanted you, and soon enough I was coming on way too strong

The rejection threw me off, it confused me, it was honestly a bruise to my little remaining pride

Now I still get nervous around you, afraid to be myself feeling like some things I still need to hide

I'm intelligent, a gifted writer, good conversationalist, but with you I still text the wrong things, babble too much, or get tongue-tied

I can never go back and change things, I can't make it up, these are the only explanations I can provide

Even though I saw a chance to build something real with you, instead of building, it seems like I weakened and destroyed

Instead of getting closer and showing you my best, I showed you nothing but red flags, I pestered and annoyed

Sometimes it was just soul-crushing loneliness, I'd just lost two of my best friends, and I was trying to fill a void

Sometimes I wasn't thinking straight from not sleeping for days because of my own issues and being so paranoid

Part of it that probably seemed strange to you is just my love language, I like to do favors for people I care about, give gifts, cook them meals

And I'm affectionate because we're not promised tomorrow, so I try to let people know how I feel

Part of it was all the things swirling around me at the time that now, looking back, just seem surreal

I was in immigration court testifying with my kids trying to convince a judge to grant an appeal

Part of it was more bad timing, things going on behind the scenes in my life that I wasn't handling well

Problems at work, problems at church, problems at home, constantly feeling like I was walking on eggshells

Part of it was self-sabotage, doing things that at least subconsciously I knew would inevitably repel

But every time I spent time with you, the pain disappeared, and the harder I fell

Not too long after meeting you, I had a PTSD relapse, and usually I was uncomfortable around most men

For weeks it was like having one long anxiety attack, and now I'm embarrassed for so many of the things I said and did back then

My behavior was bizarre at times, sometimes it was hard for me to find any peace, but you became my happy place, my Zen

You became like an addiction because I felt safe and comfortable with you, and I constantly tried to see you because I wanted so desperately to feel that again