Sober

I don’t want to be that kind of girl who laughs the loudest or be the girl who never wants to be a lone. I don’t actually want to be that phone call at 4 o’clock in the morning because I don’t want my parents to be the only one to know the pain that I won’t come home anymore.

I got no excuses for all of these goodbyes call me when it’s over because I’m dying inside please wake me when the shakes are gone and the cold sweats will disappear. Call me when it’s over and myself has reappeared. The sun is so blinding once again as I stayed up again; the amount of struggles that I’m finding, and this isn’t the way I want it to end from either mental taking over or killed by the unseen virus.

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know why I do it every time it’s only when I’m lonely. Sometimes I just want to cave in as I don’t want to fight anymore but I’m trying so hard; I just need you to hold me close to your skin I’m so lonely, I’m only safe up high like nothing could touch me anymore.

Why is this party is over? You’re my only protection from myself destruction; weather your my mother, father or siblings or my partner. Oh mother I’m so sorry that I’m not sober anymore and daddy please forgive me for all drinks that have spilled on the floor. To the ones who were true friends who have never left me the first time around; I know we’ve been down this road before, I can only apologise that I’m not sober anymore.

I don’t want to be the girl who has fallen silence because of this cronoavirus; the quietness scares me because it’s screams the truth of what’s coming round the corner, please don’t tell me we have had this conversation, I know that we haven’t as we’ve never had this pandemic before. I won’t remember it until the morning so please save you’re breathe it’s no use anymore.

I’m sorry to my future love that I love the most; the man that had just left my bed for work I just want to save you from inside my head, I know, I know you want to save me from myself. I’m sorry to the fans or people who look up to me that I’ve lost. Who have watched me fall again I just wanted to be a role model. I’m just like everyone else I’m only human.

The night is calling with its whispers to me softly to come and play; I know I am falling once more however if I let myself go I’m the only one to blame, oh mother please forgive me for relapsing once more and daddy please forgive give me for the drinks spilled on the floor and finding me on the living floor. To the ones who truly never left me like my man I know we’ve been down this road before; I’m so sorry I’m not sober or anymore, as soon as I was coming down from the high of the alcohol my head is spinning when I’m looking for myself sober.

I look for you in my hospital bed I know it’s good there’s a light touch of your hand on mine; until it’s bad you squeeze my hand that’s when I’ve heard myself cry never again as I broke down in agony, I whispered to myself seeking forgiveness. I’m sorry that I’m here again. I promise I’ll get help. It wasn’t my intention to get down this far. I’m sorry to myself for thinking this bad.