So Much To Lose

Some days are worse than most, I just go through the motions, I swear I feel like a ghost

Nobody understands the sheer panic, how I feel when my chest is collapsing.

If I tell them what’s wrong, they say: “You just need to start relaxing”!

NO SHIT KAREN! I didn’t have a clue, what the hell would I have done if I’d never met you!?!?

Probably wouldn’t be concealing my anxiety and stress.

I’m smart enough to know that I’ve made everyone’s life a mess.

That’s the reason for all of the thing’s I attempt to conceal,

I’ve grown accustomed to entertaining instead of just keeping it real.

Life is flying by so quickly, and this is not what I had planned.

My head has been in the clouds for so long now, I’m not sure if I can still land.

I used to stand for something. I had integrity, I was loved and respected.

My word was all I had and it meant everything to me, but of course now I just reject it.

When I wake up, before I even open my eyes, I have already mapped out the day, and how I’m gonna stay high.

Sometimes I muster up enough self-control, to save a shot for in the morning so I can continue to play my role.

Another day of petty crimes, just to earn the money to supply my habit.

I know the things that people like, all I have to do is snag it.

By the time I’ve hustled up enough money to buy my dope for the day,

I’ve once again neglected my responsibilities and things I need to pay.

I live like there is no tomorrow, and I don’t want to come back to reality

When I’m sober for too long, my thoughts just push me towards fatality.

I’m a coward to say the least, and I’m a horrible person.

If you seem to think otherwise, you must of caught me while rehearsing.

I’m probably a little hard on myself, but I have every reason to be.

You see I’ve let 4 beautiful children down, who used to look up to me.

I was everything to them, I was all they had ever known.

Now because I had to get high, they have no place they can call home.

They are all split up, they barely see me, their dad, or eachother.

So how could I stand back and try to call myself their mother!?!?

They have had to grow up way too young, and much to fast.

I have tried so many times to stay sober, but I can never make it last.

What is wrong with me? How have I turned out this way?

I’m so disgusted with myself, I don’t know what else to say.

My children are angel’s, and God gave them to me.

Why couldn’t I be the mother that God called me to be?

My life has been so full of confusion and pain.

I would give anything in the world if my babies don’t have to feel the same.

I hope they know how much I love them and I hope they never doubt,

that my love for them was never what all of this was about.

If my love for them could fix me, I would be the most perfect person ever.

All I can do for now is try my best each day to do a little better.

Something good has to come out of all of this pain,

I know God wouldn’t let so many hearts be broken, and let it be in vain.

I need any prayers, all of them I can get

Something to help me overcome all of these things that I regret.

Please spare me your judgements, I’m way too hard on myself

You couldn’t possibly understand, you’ve never known what I’ve felt

A life full of disappointment, regrets, and so much shame,

I know that I am the only one to blame.

Instead of passing judgement, next lend a hand to help.

Sometimes that is all it takes to find the strength in yourself.

Thinking nobody cares, and life would better if you’re gone,

Will most certainly come to pass if you believe it for too long.

They wonder why she can’t just stop, that it’s just that easy

That I should be able to do it, if not for me, for those who need me.

I wish I had that answer, I struggle with it daily myself

I don’t know how to replay these cards I have been dealt.

I’m trying harder with each passing day,

If you don’t believe I am, I don’t care to hear what you have to say.

Don’t believe me, I don’t care, I have nothing to prove,

What I do have for certain, is so much more to lose.