Slipping

I've been slipping

A lot

I haven't been able to regain my balance

I'm spiraling in circles

My heart won't stop racing and I can't catch my breath

I don't even crave my own death

Just destruction of myself

Maybe this is what I've always felt

I knew it was hopeless

To try and cope

With those pills

Because when I forget the drill

And leave them on the window sill

My brain is only more ready to kill

The seal for everything I feel is ripped off

On and off

It only makes me worse

That feeling I hate

The wires in my eyes

The hands squeezing my brain

Is there more than ever

This other self is careless

Faceless

Painless

Dangerous

It only wants to harm me

It only wants to isolate me

It makes everyone my enemy

Want to be loved?

Pop those pills

Don't forget

Or you'll get sick.

-

No

Forget about them

Don't let them suppress me

Let me free

Because you don't deserve to be relieved

Why are you trying to escape me

You deserve this suffering

Go a week without them

You need to punish yourself

It's the only way you'll learn

Abuse yourself

It's how you'll grow

Let your mind burn

Claw at your face in agony

You won't be able to rip out these feelings

You're bleeding but it's not enough

Go back to the past and relive your suffering

Think of all the beatings

Think of all the screaming

Hiding and crying all alone praying for it all to end hoping no one will hear you

Because the pain was so unbearable

16 years later

And nothing has changed

Pathetic

-

All I've ever wanted

Was to cry

And not have to hide

All I've ever wanted

Was for someone to not give up on me