sitting in a BP parking lot alone on Christmas Eve

I’m sitting in a bp parking lot

Alone

On Christmas Eve

Gas pumps are usually

So slow

But tonight

It’s already

Almost full

I could think about

How my bank account is below 20 dollars

How my hands hurt from the gym

How I need to shower

How my nose ring is stuck because its so cold

But all I can think about

Is my roommate

I was so

Excited

To spend Christmas eve with

Baking cookies in our toaster oven

Watching that new Disney movie

And the yellow bug that was in our driveway

That belonged to

The other friends that would be

Eating our cookies

And watching our movie.

Is my brother

Who

would let me drive his new truck

help me sneak beer into the house

Understand the pain of being single during the holidays

But is

Stuck in Atlanta

Watching anime

Alone

On Christmas eve

Because of a virus.

Is my mother

Begging me to come

To Olive Garden

As we did every year

On my Christmas eve

Which was also

My Grandma's birthday

A day she shouldn't

Have to share

She deserved more than a day

But left

Candy canes coated in grief.

Is my brother and sister in law

Who only want me to come over

To post pictures of my dog on instagram

And how they're charming the diner table

With their life on the beach

And their well paying jobs

And their new house

Covering my absence

Covering my refusal to accept

Fake niceties

drenched in pity

From my younger cousin

Who is married and pregnant

From my aunt

Who slut shamed me for wearing a bikini

When I was 11.

Is my father

Who I just got

A "best dad" trophy for

and not even a whole month later

Kicked me out of his home

Cut off his wallet

Like money is

what I needed from him.

Is my dog

Who I couldn’t afford

A present for

But wouldn’t even care

Is the only one I want

To hold in my arms

Who is stuck back in a home

Cuddling with

My roommate's friend

Who will threaten to

Steal him.

Is the only gift I ask for each year

Not just on Christmas

But every birthday

Every holiday

Every Monday

Every Tuesday

Every day of the week

Every second of

every minute of

Every night

Day

I beg and I plead

And I cry

Because I am alone at a bp on Christmas eve

And I know that the perfect gift

Will not save me

But I can’t help but think

If I turned my head to the right

And saw him sitting there beside me

In the passenger seat

And he wipes the tears off my face

That I cry as I think

of all the Christmases

Before Him

Wondering if he was real

If he was out there

Waiting for me

Needing me

Loving me

Before we met

Praying for the start

Of a new family

Of new traditions

Bringing life back

To twinkly lights

To Christmas movies

To hot coa coa and stocking stuffers

Or was he sitting in a bp parking lot

Alone

On christmas eve