Signs Everywhere

I can't stop seeing signs everywhere - signs I can't interpret, and they're crushing my thoughts like pills and muddling them together into indistinguishable bits of desire and confusion and pain and wanting more and more and more.

I've been having such a hard time stringing together words into a sentence that can say what I feel, and I hadn't had a moment of sweet sharp bliss like tonight in so long, but maybe that's what snapped me back into coherence, even if it's just for this one soft moment.

the air is just on the verge of brisk and my heart is moving faster than this pen and I can't stop praying that this won't be like last time. it's painful to pray for something when the parallels are so deeply defined and I'm stuck in the groove on a skipping record, trying to hop onto a new track by reverting to old patterns and listening to songs from a different time and rereading old aches, retracing old tears. today was about acceptance, and still the only thing I can accept is desire for something different, something that doesn't bleed like this.

time is dragging and skipping and tumbling past me, and I know I need to open my fists and stop gripping the threads so hard, because crescent moons of blood are starting to well on my palms, but I do not want to relinquish the fantasy in my hands.

one night flipped everything I knew on its head, and I keep convincing myself I'm trying to navigate the ceiling, but at this point I'm pretty sure I'm back on the ground, looking up at the sky and tripping over everything that fell back down with me. a couple years ago I got lost in the river thinking it was the sky, and I might be doing the same thing again but without the water and the clouds to cushion my fall. I'm not even looking for a sidewalk, just the hint of a trail, but I can't find anything with my head tilted back and my eyes fixed on the stars.