she's coming undone

*PLEASE LISTEN TO THE SOUND WHILE YOU READ MY POEM ;)*

~

There's a needle threading my mind, stitching together thoughts I can't comprehend.

And multiple whispers trying to attack me. They are telling me to go join the other girls playing on the field.

They are persuading me to wear daisies in my hair, loosen my dress, and run carefree on the grass—just like the other girls.

I'm not like other girls-

The whispers sound secretive,

Anonymous,

I'm not quite clear if I'm hearing the right person. I hear all different voices.

My eyes feel heavy with the dust of half-forgotten histories, I'm trying to seek the horizon where the world begins to blur.

Make me disappear... Make these whispers disappear.

"Are you listening to me!"

"Stupid, stupid, STUPID!"

I'm awake. I'm not in my head anymore.

"Are you sure you d0n't want to play with us?"

I look up at the girl. "I'm good."

She smiles. Soon enough that smile fades, and her smile, her mouth, drops to the floor.

I shake my head and the words that come out of my mouth join the whispers invading my thinking. "It's not real..." I tell myself.

Her smile isn't a smile anymore, it's something beyond what a thousand words could ever capture.

Now I'm back in my head.

The world is continuing to spin.

It feels like a drug, to run away from reality. It must be a drug.

I can see the whispers this time. They are rapidly hazing around me, trapping me in~ within~ my mind....

I'm stuck, I'm drowning.... SOMEONE SAVE ME!

But no one can hear me, I'm in my own head.

The whispers disappear, the sounds evaporate, and there is nothing left... Where did they all go?

She comes back. "Are you sure you don't want to join us? You seem distressed?"

I'm awake. I'm not in my head anymore.

"I'm ok. Really, I am."- I reply.

My mind: Can't you thank someone who cares?

My head flings back, and the whispers come at me faster, drowning me, and trapping me in a haze that feels like a coma.

This time the whispers aren't happy or trying to convince me to step outside of my comfort zone. They are furious.

They are enraged. The whispers brutally argue with each other. The tension, the cacophony... It's stressing me~

All I hear is anger, it's filling up my body... Turning me into roses, I'm bleeding.

I'm screaming....

I'm screaming...

I'm screaming..

I'm screaming.

"HELP ME!"

I'm awake. I'm not in my head anymore.

This time, all the girls are staring at me. All the nuns collectively dash towards me.

Where did all my blood go? Wasn't I bleeding?

The moment suspended,

My breath is held,

There are still no answers.

The sky is still spinning from the shadows of old thoughts. Thoughts that somehow seem to find me again.

Even if I try to forget them, somehow, they seem to find a way back into my heart. My mind-

My mind was a house emptied of its own walls, each thought drifting like a stray paper lantern on a night where the stars refused to burn. The world continued to speak, but all I could hear was the silence of things forgotten.

I must becoming undone~

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Thank you so much for reading!

The setting is an orphanage in the 1900s!

This story is about derealization and being stuck in your subconscious mind, sometimes our intuition and inner voice tell us things we can't comprehend because they may appear direct and assertive and become things we may not want to hear. Mental Health, vulnerability, personal identity, and the pressure of external expectations are all themes!