She Laughs

I’ve changed.

The whispers still come and the flickers still try but they’ve faded into the background. When my teeth clench I close my eyes and exhale sharply like I can breathe it out.

And I can, in a way.

But my breath comes out like a blessing and a prayer where I send to God what the devil tried to attack me with but it didn’t work this time.

And the question rises:

what if?

What if I lose it all tomorrow?

Everything I’ve come to love and cherish and enjoy?

Everything he says I don’t deserve and I agree?

What if God allows it to be taken away from me?

I admit, the question stumped me for a while. But when I allowed myself to think it. To really think it, I decided what I’ll do.

“I’ll write about it. I’ll write a book. And I’ll make the Devil sorry he ever messed with me. Because I won’t just write the damn book… ill speak it. I’ll tour it. I’ll spend every last moment of my lonely, sad, full life making him pay for what he took from me.”

When I said it aloud they looked.

My friends.

The normal ones, and their eyes were wide as I slammed my fist on the table.

Because they didn’t know about the fire.

The quiet, unquenched, contained burning in my belly.

Not bitterness.

Not unforgiveness.

Not trauma for once…

just the steady cackling flames of a woman who laughs at the future.