Roommates

Who am I,

I stutter and I repeat

Who am I,

As I’m staring at the girl who is staring back at me

Who am I

I am no longer a child that is growing with the contagious smile

Nor am I the the one with the laughter that fills up the whole room

I’m no longer that little girl with the sparkles in her eyes that lightens anyone's days

I’m not the preteen confused about my sexuality anymore neither

Who am I

I’m not even the teenager who once stared in the mirror saying—well this ones for all the times you said you hated your self and tried to commit suicide

I have not reconciled my inner demons

But I have channeled my inner peace

I have not forgiven but I did forget

But how am I to move forward without letting go

Who am I

I am a woman

Who am I

I am neither sad nor happy

And I’m not afraid anymore

Who am I

I am someone who is consistently reminding myself to breathe because if I don’t I don’t know when I will gasp for air when my the one suffocating myself

But you see the suffocation is a metaphor

Suffocation being my depression and aniexty

Because these two opposites are drowning my home

One screaming stay in bed no one will notice you’re gone not even for a second until I turn over and I’m on day 3

Day 3

I stutter I repeat

Yes day 3

Day 3 that I haven’t gotten out of bed not even to shower sure I’ll eat every once in a while, and On day 3 when I finally realized I haven’t checked my messages in awhile and I have 39 missed calls

Mother

Mother

Mother

And when I’m reading those it’s like feeding an alter ego because you see no one notice but my mother, depression's just like taunting me in my ear laughing oh what a despicable me how could I think someone could miss me

Don’t forget to breathe

And see anxiety, well me and her we go every where together unlike depression and me—she just likes to sneak in on me and hold me captive for awhile—kinda like a period you don’t really know when she is coming but when she does she's painful you can feel it in your stomach she is everyyyyyywhere, she’s suffocating me

But anxiety she’s like a real roomie because she never leaves me at peace

Whether it’s with her banging at 2 am like she’s the damn police telling me not to go to sleep because that’s where my real problems are conceived

Or when I’m at a restaurant and I have to get some air because she’s telling me it’s to crowded in there for you and me,

and I feel it because she makes me feel two feet tall and she’s yelling at me because I didn’t wear the right clothing knowing she’d be joining the party and I am sweating and fidgety and this dress feels like silk about to slide right off me because she is suffocating me

So who am I stutter I repeat

I am a woman in a home with two roomies who are suffocating me until I realize they are me and I am suffocating myself with the belief that they are better then me