return.

I never thought I would be dreading a return.

Returns are associated with positivity, or simple neutrality, normally. The phrase “and many happy returns” will be donning many of your holiday cards this year, no doubt. And when something is returned, it usually means one or both parties are getting something they want.

Well, in this case, I am not sure what either party wants. Not to mention who the benefitting party would be.

With this return, the truth is anticipated. The return itself is no sad transaction, but what happens in the following months will reveal the answers I have searched years for. I have asked all the right questions, committed to the right things and changed what I could, but to no avail and most definitely no clarity.

I have so enjoyed these past few months. Finally, I have felt whole again, I can function to my full capacity like I once did when we were young. Communication has been high, and connections constantly being made – boredom has not been an option as of recent.

But what happens now?

When the return is exchanged, what will come of it? Will this bliss continue? Or disappear almost as abruptly as it came?

I don’t want to say goodbye, I don’t want to give up on this.

I was once told that women know what they want, that eventually – after years of existence, we hone in on what we would like our futures to look like. I was told that at some point, I made up my mind.

There is some truth to this, and that is what is sad. This future has been mine since my adolescence, and through puberty, this vision grew and developed with me. Together, we strived for the same goal.

Now, we talk about the potential letting go of such a vision. How do you let go of something, the only thing, you’ve ever truly known? I am unsure of a lot in my life, but how I feel and my emotions toward the returning subject have always been truth, forever unchanging. So, what does the world look like after I let go?

I have loved growing closer with the returning, finally feeling the reciprocation of all that I have given over the past year. I feel stable, and sure.

All I ask is that this does not change.

I do look forward to the return, I have missed every part during its absence, and feel it will be a different dynamic. Once again, I am a comfort; I am a support system – and I am once again needed. My work ethic and lifestyle are being appreciated and understood wholly. All the things that I hold dear to my heart are coming together to create a beautiful image, displaying what we have – love, love transcendent of boundary. Neither friend, nor more, nor family, but simply pure love. I hope to hold onto this moment, this feeling and strength in communication for a long time after the return – I wish to keep growing and developing with it throughout my adulthood. It is the thing that brings me the most happiness and actual joy – genuine joy empty of depression.

But, to grow up and face the music, I must accept that this may not happen, and most likely won’t. Once everything is back to where it belongs, I will probably be put on the back burner once again.

And, I guess, that’s ok.