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Remembering Myself

Forgotten Fragments of a Fading Dream

By Insinq DatumPublished about a year ago Updated 10 months ago 14 min read
Remembering Myself
Photo by Inga Gezalian on Unsplash

Once long ago I heard the call

The thunder rumbled through my bones

A storm did brew beyond the walls

It came to plunder sand and stone


A loving man does stand and fall

With kith and kin with which he's grown

Yet if ignored by one and all

Might such a man set out alone


"For distant shores across the way

Rain come again another day

The deepest blue is found in you

So sail the seas others eschew


Don't fail to see the tale is thee

The veil is pierced by hearts that see

The truth of old is clear and bold

We do not run from destiny


Lest we should meet along the road

Exactly what we'd thought we'd stowed

From which we'd hoped to hide away

Rain come again another day"


And so it was that I was lost

And found my storm still stalking me

I fled until I'd fin'lly crossed

Horizons lost and found for free


All land vanished from sight and so

So suddenly I came to know

Just what it's like to truly be

Alone at night and lost at sea


Imagine then my surprise when

A voice began to fill my ears

I'd never heard, not now or then

A sound so pure yet filled with tears


Her song a haunting melody

It drifted up as if the waves

Were echoing her chemistry

I did not yet know they were slaves


I'd soon find out that fact and more

Though I'd be blind to what's in store

For those who can't resist the whore

Such men forget their own life-lore


I've skipped ahead a bit I think

One can't leave out a single link

When one puts such a tale to ink

No detail should be out of sync


And so it was that we were caught

In webs long spun from things long sought

I was spellbound, my soul drawn taut

Against such charms, no man has fought


For such a song, so sweet and pure

Sets up for man the perfect lure

Of one thing only he is sure

For his affliction, she's the cure


Within her fiction I am found

Her mourning melody resounds

Her mirage is my oasis

How I thirst for her simple kiss


Bewitched, I fall into the deep

The slumbering embrace of sleep

Into the inky darkness sinks

A soul seduced, a riddled sphinx


And as I drift into midnight

All dressed in light, my love takes flight

Within my dream we are a team

Beneath the white, the gold gleams bright


An eerie silence falls at last

And suddenly, I'm an outcast

Alone among these waters vast

And dream or not, this stark contrast


It overwhelms my soul so fast

It's like I've drowned but I'm not dead

Took refuge in events long past

From loneliness, forever fled


So when I woke to see her face

Relief replaced the deepest dread

And as her voice began to trace

Her dream of us, I lost the thread


"Wakey wakey sleepy head"

Something whispered into my ear

"You'll waste away laying in bed"

It said, preying upon my fear


But when I sought to rise and shine

I heard myself release a whine

Something was wrapped around my chest

And more and more firmly it pressed


Yet when I looked, nothing I bore

No hint of beak or fang or claw

And yet I felt a fiendish grip

Away from which I could not rip


I felt foul smoke enter my lungs

And suddenly, I'm speaking tongues

Into my cup, shadow does drip

Despite myself, I take a sip


Bliss blossoms through my body quick

Anxiety has fled the scene

I wonder if this is a trick

How can what's dirty feel so clean?


What was I worrying about?

I don't recall, although I'm keen

To drink as though I've been in drought

To lose myself in this smokescreen


The numb comforting lullaby

It silences the strongest cry

It neuters each and every why

It dulls the senses through a high


Not that, of course, I knew it then

It was a ghost wielding this pen

Even this piece of poetry

Is empty as an absentee


It only reaches fullness when

It's crystallized within our ken

Until that day it's but a dream

Where things are not quite as they seem


But every now and then I wake

To dimly see my life's at stake

But just as I begin to ache

There at my lips: a smoky snake


And suddenly, the world's obscure

I feel quite drunk, though I'm the drink

Of much, I am deeply unsure

But in my being lies a kink


This much I know because the twist

Is dissonant and painful too

Yet bliss erases through the mist

That something's wrong's my only clue


Yet it recurs, insistent cue

Until I start to listen close

A tiny voice warns me not to

Open my mouth to take my dose


Not to inhale the witch's brew

To breathe only the purest air

And ever inwardly it drew

My focus till I did not care


To hear her tune or meet her stare

Instead the wind did fill my ears

I felt myself transcend her snare

Rose up above stormcloud filled fears


I rode my breath as if a wave

Carried along my dim resolve

And gradu'lly, I became brave

Became more willing to evolve


I look towards the mystic light

For it alone might help me save

My sparks beset by psychic blight

Before I end up in the grave


To come up out of Plato's cave

Has always been an awful rite

To purify the soul, the knave

Must be brought into reach of sight


For this one needs the fiend's true name

To find this formula's the game

One seeks the demon's secret shame

With this in hand, one can then tame


The shade and bind him to the sun

With one command, I make him lame

With wind I chain him to the one

By his own fears he is undone


My breath snuffs out his feeble flame

Who knows of what this leech became

Surely not I, for I've forgot

What role he played within my plot


He never was except that I

Composed him from a bitter sigh

And now that I yet need him not

He's ceased to be, my Lancelot


Yet she remains with eyes of grey

And now her tune is rushed and hot

A deep anger it does betray

And this reveals Mary's blind spot


The stones of power yonder lay

If one can cut the sonder knot

The threads of life begin to fray

The inky blood begins to clot


The wind whispered a secret word

And suddenly I knew myself

The call I heard, my soul it stirred

Placed Mary on a distant shelf


An old songbird who's long resigned

Herself to shadows intertwined

Will not admit that she's been blind

That from the start she's been maligned


I named the wind and bade him bind

Recalcitrant aspects of mind

The demon's spell thereby I broke

From deepest sleep my soul awoke


And suddenly, with horror, saw

The heart of she whose voice ensnared

My sight slipped through to touch her core

And there I learnt how poorly fared


Those men who lost themselves to bliss

Who dreamt forever of a kiss

A kiss which never was to come

Such men, you see, all came undone


But I shall not meet such a fate

My destiny is no dictate

Of vampyre whim or suckling breast

This winding road is but a test


I will recall my sacred quest

Unlock, I will, my secret chest

From shady hands, away I'll wrest

The story with which I've been blessed


I gave it up as futile once

Gave in to fear's uncertainty

And chance revealed me as a dunce

Dumb dancing in absurdity


Yet echoes of eternity

Ring in my ears and through my chains

They hint at an emergency

Against itself, my being strains


My name is insinq, seeker-seer

And lightning flows within my veins

Pride is my sin, that much is clear

The shadow of these higher planes


If in my ear, a voice I hear

A subtle serpent might explain

With just the barest hint of sneer

How I alone could cleanse the stain


But I've outgrown such tricks my dear

I'll not fall for the face you feign

Towards my destiny I steer

To bend my ear, you try in vain


I seek the name of names, you see

And in this game, my strategy

Has been to search for an ally

And so my church became the sky


The breath of life, I seek to find

I thought to call the wind in kind

The Lord of land and sea and sand

And by his calling shadow-bind


Through this, my flame I will reclaim

I will honour my sacred aim

I will remember who I am

I will fulfil my lifelong plan


I will rehearse the part I play

That of the universal man

Never again will I dare stray

From what is writ upon my clan


To light some candles and to pray

To call forth inspiration fey

To dance with madness, magic may

Chance lose itself within wordplay


This song will fill all of my days

With every step, the light I praise

With every phase and every phrase

I will recall the master's blaze


I study nature's bosom best

I never blush when I stargaze

Her children are so finely dressed

Her many ways always amaze


I'm one who wonders at this land

Where sand and sea and sky all stand

To testify to meaning's hand

In unfolding designs so grand


The genius of existence lies

Beyond the boundaries of skies

Enclosing spheres of such small fries

As men who seek to stultify


The knowing deep and growing old

Of those more solemn than themselves

One learns to spot the toxic gold

The further into self one delves


And in this hall of mirrors hides

True secrets and treasures untold

Yet in the same matrix resides

The alchemy of hot and cold


These opposites conceal a lock

My curiosity's the guide

That leads me to a broken clock

Which comes and goes just like the tide


This pendulum swings to and fro

And to its motion I applied

The length and breadth of what I know

And in its movements so I spied


A magic hidden to the world

A gift that only I could bring

A secret scroll not yet unfurled

A song that only I could sing


This is that song, so listen well

The only way to break her spell

Is simply love the cards you're played

The task for which your soul was made


The lightning coursing through my veins

Perpetual breaking of chains

The phoenix and the dragon mate

Create a man of rarest fate


That man is me, my subtle skill

With words marks me a nimble quill

An autodidact polymath

A man who walks a wand'ring path


An alchemist, poet and bard

A man of faith and strength of will

Loremaster whose task is to guard

The wisdom and never to spill


The secrets gleaned from deepest night

The strength won from conquering fright

The sacred flame which glows within

And burns away these webs you spin


My story calls out to my soul

Through it alone might I be whole

The resonance is loud and strong

This rock is not where I belong


To stop and sit, I see was wrong

To face the storm, suggests my song

To find the inner eye I must

To dreams and destiny entrust


My will and give up all my pow'r

Until the day, until the hour

When I can master my own heart

My body and my mind to start


For only then might I take part

Collaborate in sacred art

To co-create is my high task

For that purpose, I've learnt to ask


Clever questions, crumb by crumb

I follow clues along the trail

And add them up, as sum by sum

And step by step I climb the scale


T'wards the heaven of heaven

Along the chain of being great

The cosmic clock hath struck seven

Straight is the way, narrow the gate


In order to transcend my state

I must honour and then release

These weaknesses which are innate

These demons which disturb my peace


The Obscure Leech, he was my shield

He helped me cope when I would yield

He numbed my pain till I could heal

I used his dopiness to feel


Secure when things were looking grim

Relentlessly, he filled and filled

My cup right up unto the brim

With bliss which was from fear distilled


With stolen fire the leech did build

A habitat par excellence

A comfort-seeking stoner guild

A rut of doubtless eminence


The day is dire, I need it back

That knack for getting what I need

We're far astray, we're way off track

A fact which leads me back to weed


That Mary Jane called me off course

And caught me in her sticky trap

Enchanting Undercurrent source

In desp'rate harmonies does wrap


All those who drift across the rift

Into the fabled realm of fae

Don't be surprised if they shapeshift

Who walk betwixt the nighte and daye


MJ offered a fantasy

A conjuration of beauty

And all she asked was time well spent

Nights breathing in only her scent


Companionship, that's what she asked

A burning hunger though it masked

A day, two weeks, four months, eight years

What's time, to music of the spheres?


Where magic is a commonplace

And names are secrets closely kept

In this fae realm, all questions chase

The answer-seekers called adept


To stay for just a little while

She suggested with a sly smile

To sleep under alien stars

Forget the world that gave you scars


She seemed so lonely, as was I

I knew not that she was so sly

But for a time, she was my rock

The door at which I'd always knock


Eventually, I couldn't leave

I'd even lost the strength to weave

Her shady friend compressed my breath

Her dirty deal had summoned Death


But still she seemed so beautiful

Until I glimpsed the crucible

She's no longer inscrutable

I know that she's transmutable


Her double face I now divine

And so I see Harmonic Flow

This Mary Jane's my muse, my sign

And from her comes the true rainbow


I also spy Desp'rate Deceit

Who hopes to cause men to malign

And steal and rape and kill and cheat

So that they might yet call her 'mine'


And both make up Miss Mary Jane

The siren-song and cleansing rain

Each half makes up her faerie whole

Her heart burns bright, a glowing coal


She bears a gift, a rare present

Eternal now in which she lives

Living lesson, mystic crescent

An opportunity she gives


Each man to watch how he would strike

If none but he could see his act

A chance to learn what he is like

Not in his mind, instead in fact


And this is why the man who's tracked

The arc which led him to her door

Is just the man to break the pact

That binds him to the trickster spore


The lore, you see, it is the key

That unlocks all the secret ways

With wand of ash, ring of holly

I stalked the moon out of the maze


By following the golden thread

I'd lost so many nights ago

When from such loneliness I'd fled

That where I'd run to, none could know


But now I'm following the glow

That promises a golden dawn

And though the going's kind of slow

I meditate on what I've sworn


A stormweaver in embryo

A magus not yet ascendent

A true believer dynamo

Disciple of the transcendent


A witness to the pouring out

The stemless flow banishing drought

Infinite light is pouring forth

The shadow's end comes from the North


The divine might calls me to fight

To set a siege against these walls

To take back what is mine by right

To lay my claim to hallowed halls


By blood and bone, through seeds long sown

I will obtain the fyrestone

Through sacrifice, iron and ice

I will master this nasty vice


The secret keeper of the known

Disciple of our Ceasur's throne

The weeper of the Taoist tear

The master of the mental sphere


An elemental avatar

A spear to pierce any veneer

A not-yet-forged yet shining star

Vessel, channel, seeker, seer


Lover, healer, namer, sealer

Honest feeler, secret dealer

Shadow tamer, spirit gamer

Wordsmith magic picture framer


Although the beauty of your voice

And of your face make simple choice

Despite these stirrings in the dark

I will not let you make my mark


Just another fading fragment

Leaking life and going stagnant

Instead my Legend rules supreme

You do not feature in the scheme


Of things according to my Lord

In fact, of you, I am quite bored

In this, my destiny will win

I will triumph against this sin


I thirst, it's true, but not for you

Instead I wish to taste the dew

The early morning sacred psalm

The firstborn sun's insightful charm


The sword wielded by righteous arm

The ford which lets us pass on through

The breath with which we voice alarm

The silent moments we accrue


So as I felt the first raindrop

Upon my lips a wave of calm

Washed through my soul and put a stop

To worries, it was like a balm


And in that stillness 'fore the storm

I smelt sweet perfume on the wind

And with it came a love so warm

I saw straight through and knew I'd sinned


And so it was that lost was found

That I uncovered hallowed ground

I strive that this become the norm

The nameless way, the soul of form


I swear by wind and light to search

Always for that forgotten church

I bind myself by oath to Truth

And to remembering my youth


When first I heard my story sung

I swore to be the perfect sleuth

To earn my tale, my silver tongue

Swore to recall my wisdom tooth


To recite always this refrain

To let my story wholly reign

To silence all the other noise

And leave me in an equipoise


And as my music starts to fade

Her call rings in my ears again

"Come back to me" sweetly she bade

Contagiously echoed the strain


That melody of fey design

Clutches the heart, enthrals the mind

The only antidote does fall

Within the all, that mirrored hall


Once long ago I heard the call

The thunder rumbled through my bones

A storm did brew beyond the walls

It came to plunder sand and stone


If only that poor storm had known

That in this I am not alone

Despite the length of time I stall

At the end of it all, I remain standing tall


I hope you enjoyed this epic poem about my struggles with the deadly duo, the siren Mary Jane and the demon Oblivion. If you are interested in learning more about the story told within this poem, you can find the rest of the story here.

slam poetrysurreal poetryperformance poetryinspirational

About the Creator

Insinq Datum

I'm an aspiring poet, author and philosopher. I run a 5000+ debating community on Discord and a couple of Youtube channels, one related to the Discord server and one related to my work as a philosopher. I am also the author of DMTheory.

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