Relationship eulogy

There’s only 2 things, as I know there isn’t an audiance for me, as I’m now viewed.

1. I am sorry, I know what it was. I wish when it was brought up that I saw it. I should’ve at least when you brought it up a second time. I was simply trying to fill silence, the comment was so meaningless in my mind I cannot remember it verbatim. I get though, that caused this. Being “split black”. It does not excuse the reactions, but I could choose to. I never had any thoughts about being with her, and never any thoughts of not being with you. The end of the lease coming, and because of the communication (on both of us) or lack therof, me not going to Finland with you, you were looking for the abandonment. I didn’t know you wanted me to go with you.

2. This one is much bigger. I’ll keep it short though. I’m sorry, when you went away, you came back and told me the diagnosis. I was mourning at the time, and because I’m an idiot and as much as I do try to hear everything and see everything I miss things right in front of me. I heard “Bipolar” somehow and like a lot that you’re going through, I convinced myself that was what it was. I knew about it already, so I didn’t research till I was here. And, because of that, this may not matter.

Small epilogue:

Had I researched, we’d have been in Finland a year ago. I didn’t realize how much those things are for you. The kitties, I see it, and wish I had back then. This was always going to be a challenge, here or fighting through it all. I hope you know, I have always seen you. It took awhile, and I know a lot of the reasons why, aside from communication. What I saw, you can’t fake. I know, maybe even more than you, what the real you looks like. You’re now, and you’ve never been less than perfect. I want you to find happiness, and if necessary, bury all your shame on me, and I’ll lie with it. Work on yourself, not for me, even if this is the last thing you ever read. I have to withhold sending emails because I see where you are, and I know you, I know us, I know my conviction, and there’s not anyone better to be by your side. You’re more than this thing.

More than anything, I wanted to bring up about getting home. I don’t know if it was the truth, I do think it was, that you wanted to go home. Don’t let the new relationship stop you from doing what you plan. You are going to have to face that hesitation, you can do it, and just let the pain go through. If it is as important to you as I do think it is. No one is going to drag you (I would have had I known and researched) to get help, but I love you too much to not tell you these things, in hope that, at the absolute least, you find yourself. I still made it drag on.

I love you. I will always be here. I’ll keep you close by, inside.