Putting Pain To Paper

Your cold shoulder feels like home,

Feeling lonely and yet I'm not alone.

This pattern repeats year after year,

Asking myself why I'm still here.

Give things my all but it's not enough.

All I know is this approach of tough love,

Getting cast aside like I mean nothing.

When did love become endless suffering?

Your active avoidance is too much to bear,

Even if it's subtle I can sense it's there.

I'm finely attuned to your pulling away

Despite your lying that things are ok.

Too many nights crying into my pillow.

Silent treatment is a hard pill to swallow.

Blame myself but unsure of the reasoning

Why people question how they're feeling.

No longer finding value in my presence,

Doubts because my health's a life sentence.

You hurt me but I receive the punishment,

Caged in a prison of your resentment.

When did I become so unloveable?

Loving me seems like too much trouble.

And yet all I wanted was to love you

But it looks like that backfired too.

Was I supposed to love you harder,

Ignore my hurt and drop my armour?

This feels like a test I've had in the past,

And I only pass it if I put myself last.

Treating me mean doesn't keep me keen,

It only diminishes my self esteem.

So suddenly they don't give a f**k,

Give them a reason and press self destruct.

So now who am I to point the finger?

I topped their abuse with my bad behaviour.

Has it made me feel any better yet?

No, just another regret that I want to forget.

Now the responsibility lies with me,

I'll pay the price for eternity.

"Hurt people hurt people" so the saying goes

And we hurt the ones we love the most.

Is anything worth this constant torture?

It's surely time to make my departure.

Finding it hard to stomach this rejection,

I'd rather opt for a lethal injection.