PSA Issued by Upstate NY

ATTENTION RESIDENTS |

This is your official notice that

the sky has chosen violence.

A blizzard is expected to arrive shortly,

bringing 12 to 18 inches of snow,

which is both a measurement

and a state of mind.

PLEASE NOTE |

This is not “pretty snow.”

This is the heavy, committed kind.

The kind that erases curbs,

redefines roads,

and humbles snowblowers with names like Titan.

RECOMMENDED PREPARATIONS INCLUDE |

• Charging all devices you won’t use

• Buying bread and milk you won’t finish

• Locating one glove from every pair you own

• Saying, “I’ll just clear it once it slows down”

(it will not slow down)

TRAVEL IS DISCOURAGED UNLESS YOU ARE |

– A plow driver

– A nurse

– A man in shorts who “just needs to get out real quick”

Wind chills may cause faces to forget their purpose.

Snowbanks will achieve architectural significance.

Your driveway will disappear

and reappear exclusively when you least expect it.

IMPORTANT |

Shoveling builds character.

So does giving up and doing it tomorrow.

In the event of power flickers:

Light candles.

Stare into them.

Question your life choices.

Remember:

Spring is coming.

Not soon.

But spiritually.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Stay home.

Stay warm.

Complain loudly.