Perseverance

All through the summer and fall of 2020

Mars stood out amongst the stars,

Whenever I looked up to get relief

From the dead of winter, no matter what season, —

That red orb was there, giving comfort,

As if guarding me against more trouble

And urging not to give up... to persevere.

I’ve never felt much connection

With this planet,

And neither did I know

That the research starship from Earth

Was coming close to it.

But for some reason it’s been Mars —

The warrior amongst planets,

Not glorious Venus or majestic Jupiter,

Brightening up the skies for me

Through one of the gloomiest years,

When I had to learn how to lose

And rise again, with hopes to win.

...I like playing with the Mirror tool in Liquify —

Part of Photoshop.

It seems like space-time itself to me:

I can urge it to blend, spiral and flow

But only so much,

And it does what it wants to,

Obeying its own laws...

The patterns are never the same,

And the outcome is uncertain

Yet within the limits of the program —

Just like life.

I think of the scientists calculating the trajectory of of the probe,

Working the scenarios of landing —

Both on computer screen and in the desert...

Some of them women, doing science

I never got to do, despite so much effort,

Probably in the wrong direction.

I read it in the news that for a lot of them

This mission sums up their life work,

Their whole career...

They won’t get another chance

If things go wrong.

Do I understand...

“You’re aggressive,” I heard people say to me,

“Dead-set on getting your way.”

Not really a compliment

But true... yet why am I lost?

Where’s the miscalculation?

Having grown up in deprivation,

As if the childhood was one Great Depression,

Especially when it comes to love,

I can’t afford to lose...

I have to win.

There wasn’t much cushioning

For the shock of mistakes,

And this little girl was punished

Without mercy.

Then, as a grownup, I get stuck,

Unable to break through inertia,

Gravitational pull:

The harder I try,

The less I succeed.

But not trying at all?

Sorry, not for me.

For lazy bums — maybe.

Success means teaming up with others,

And most people were put on this planet

To frustrate me.

Either let me down

Or toss me around

But there has been little shared vision

That would come to fruition.

...I wonder how did that science team

Come together and stick together,

To fulfill their mission...

Where’s the bug in my plans

That the earthly mission of this gal

Has been one crash after another.

No, I don’t want a “team”... fuck them all!

I become a recluse

And get stuck again.

Can’t do it all alone...

And still have to cooperate

But how many out there would be into

What I have to offer?

My time is running out.

How much is my self-reliance worth

While climbing that steep hill of achievement?

So tired I can’t make another step,

Grasping onto the brush

To not fall back...

Looking up to that destination, the summit

In dismay and despair.

I can’t lose —

But I can’t win either.

How did those scientists on the team

Support each other

When the Mars landing rehearsals failed

One after another?

Who brought them coffee and snacks

As they brainstormed another invention

To keep the probe steady,

To not let it burn in the atmosphere

Of the red planet?

I didn’t think of that

While trying to climb the mountain

This last summer

To see what’s up there...

But I was all alone and tired.

It was getting dark,

And I didn’t have the equipment

To camp overnight

Or a buddy to stay awake

And watch for wildlife

While I sleep...

No one I could do the same for

And make that climb meaningful

Even if we fail to find water,

Or a secret cave, abode of gnomes.

In the same way, that space mission

Is already a success,

Even if ‘Perseverance’ won’t find

Many signs of life,

Because those who sent it

Have done all they could,

In the best way they could —

And something tells me,

Built relationships that last.

Why do I think it takes as much effort

As building a starship?

My backpack with essentials only

Was heavy enough to ground me

For half an hour —

Just resting, gazing down

At the valley.

...The sight to die for!

I’m so lucky

To have it made that far.

But how sad that is

To not have someone by my side

Who was meant to do that climb

Together with me —

Literally, to explore the mountain,

And figuratively, to fulfill our mission

As a couple.

I’m hungry for that sense of peace

That comes with love...

And otherwise it’s lonely struggle.

I learn my limitations,

I learn to lose.

Bushwhacking down,

I lose my bear spray,

I lose my balance too

And make part of descent

Right on my sorry butt

I got into adventure —

Too much of it to handle on my own.

I lose the dream that him and I had shared

Of doing art together,

Of making it success...

It’s slipping through my fingers

Like the sands of time...

I lose my youth to being lost

With someone who had made me hope

That I was found...

Miscalculations of the route.

Crash-landing.

No, I can’t lose my life...

I haven’t started living yet.

But I have to start all over.

Inventory... no talent to make money,

Only to make art

Out of anything —

Even the scariest, ugliest things.

They call it grunge, or punk,

Or Goth, considering depression

On this dreary mid-winter night.

Is there something wrong with me

To feel that I need someone

To fill that emptiness inside?

What about all the new age

Feminist philosophy

Booeing women like me?

Perhaps they know how to not feel

That cosmic dread,

Which is staring at me,

Threatening to swallow,

Chasing me down...

Unless there’s a warm glow of a planet

Sending me good vibes

Despite its bad rap,

Standing between the Void and me,

Like the symbol of hope

That someday I will meet the right Martian

If I stay the course

And persevere.

But what that course will be?

And when is Someday?

I know some people die

Without having their questions answered...

I am in mid-forties;

For a woman it’s her Mars landing.

If I don’t make it now, then never.

I have to keep those broken, burned pieces together

And fly the DIY starship alone,

Abandoned by my team.

No time to launch another probe

And no resources either.

“Delusions is something good to lose,”

My Inner Child is telling me,

An Owl is sitting on her shoulder.

The Cat is sitting in my lap.

I recall gazing at the sunlit mountain

I tried to climb alone

While standing side by side with him,

Five years ago...

The promises he made,

And golden sunset,

Painting that whole landscape

With the fairy dust of joy.

I felt secure and calm...

I’m boggled by those

Who throw their words away,

As if those aren’t the gift from gods.

My Kitty knows,

Because she cannot speak,

But all I say to her is taken seriously.

In the same way I understand the value

Of things I cannot have —

Like being on that mountain top, with him;

The happiness on Earth

I desperately chased

With maps and compasses

I either had no skill to use,

Or maybe they weren’t made for here:

A compass from Neptune,

A map from Pluto —

Places of my day-dreamscapes

Where I never crash.

My Inner Child is hugging me...

Who did those scientists turn to

In need of hugs and reassurance

When everything seemed lost?

How many team members

Had bailed out

When things got tough?

Guess what, I hate

This kind of “teamwork.”

The quitters and the goners —

By choice, not call of destiny,

This is what happens

When you run away:

You put your burdens

On the shoulders

Of those of us who stay.

You withdraw your gifts

From all of us;

You leave your folks alone

When your support is needed.

We lose because of you,

And you’re the losers too —

Respect and peace are not to waste.

Your comfort is but an illusion,

Be it drugs, or booze, or apathy

Whatever’s chosen as escape

From difficulty and inevitable failure,

Lots of it —

The cobblestones on the road to success.

Your comfort comes at cost

For those you left for it.

You end up more alone

Than I had ever been

At my very worst —

But here’s my magical allies

And the Red Planet,

Watching me with soft compassion,

Completely unexpected.

As long as I refuse

To lose heart, I’m not alone.

Nature abhors vacuum, you know?

Life thrives in most extreme conditions,

Perhaps including Mars.

My battle isn’t over yet

But it was a surprise to learn

Of the successful cosmic voyage

Towards the planet that stood out to me

Throughout the winter of 2020,

Regardless of the season.

...I try to see my life as art in progress,

And all the tools I’ve no idea how to use,

Like compass from Neptune and map from Pluto,

As Liquify in Photoshop,

That program I can’t figure

But trust it to create my Dreamscapes,

Applied to daily life

Like yet another layer,

Which makes it deeper.

And now — the gift of Mars:

To make things happen

I don’t have to know

Exactly where to go,

Or how to get there.

But, once set on the mission,

I must not quit

But go the distance —

Through change of direction,

Through fickleness of team,

Or unexpected throwbacks.

And above all, through inner void,

Which feels like death.

It’s there where I had felt support

From kindred spirit of the planet,

Which knows a thing about

PERSEVERANCE.

February 26, 2021.