Panic

panic.

a beep arises from the machine, like the one my alarm makes—stressful.

the blocked passageway doesn't move. a feeling arises in me

a feeling that i am afraid will never go away

it makes me breakdown

pushes into me like a gust of wind

makes me want to lay in my bed and cry

\\

i do cry.

my mom doesn't look happy.

i find her stare has an air of disgust.

i try to gather up my courage to tell the security woman my issue

\\

but everyone is against me?

what if she says no?

what if she laughs in my face?

what if she gets mad?

i am afraid. why? i don't know but the panic inside me arises like a bubbling volcano

what if she spits in my face?

what if my mom gets even more mad?

what is the security person doesn't respond?

\\

mom is yelling now, or maybe she isn't. it feels like yelling

i feel as if the weight of the world is on my back. how can something so small make me feel this much panic.

\\

i go through the security exit, my mom with her hands on her hips

tears streaming down my face i go up to the security woman and tell her.

\\

my subway card didn't have any money left

\\

she replies sweetly, with a smile on her face. that's okay honey, just remember to have it filled up next time

\\

i wonder what made me so afraid.

...

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