one of the boys

it's cloudy -

little boys play soccer in the field, roughhousing with one another the way only little boys do.

boys will be boys, and i want to be a boy too.

sometimes i wonder how life would have been different if i had been born that way:

introduced as son or brother,

taught from a young age how to be a boy, like all the other boys.

i wonder what i would have been like as a little boy -

friendly and social,

or withdrawn and shy?

they shoot foam bullets at one another, shouting loudly about the types of things little boys shout about.

they like bugs and dirt and nature, and i like that too

but they don't play with me because girls are annoying

and i'm too weak.

i always wanted to know

the kinds of things boys talked about

when they were alone.

when it snows, they throw snowballs at each other

and my friends complain about the noise.

i wonder if i would have enjoyed being one of the boys:

learning how to shave when all the rest did,

growing out of my clothes more quickly

than i could replace them.

don't we all wonder sometimes

what it would be like

to be the opposite sex?

teenage boys were nothing like me.

boys will be boys,

but not when girls are around.

i like them; i want them to like me,

too.

i wonder what i would have been like

as a teenage boy -

anxious and fearful,

or carefree and silly?

teenage boys try to act cool around the girls

they like

i want to be their friend and i don't know why.

don't we all wish sometimes

we could wake up as the opposite sex,

just to see what it's like?

growing into yourself takes time:

all the other boys became men in high school,

but i am twenty nine years old and

not yet seventeen.

aging is uncertain -

perhaps, in another lifetime,

i'm married with kids,

encouraged all my life to pursue women

instead of waiting to be pursued.

perhaps in another lifetime,

i was taught to be stoic and opinionated

not obedient and meek

sometimes i feel i've missed out on a lifetime:

how can you become a man without

having had the chance to be a boy?