On My Way to 28

My birthday is exactly one month away from today.

Every year around this time I start feeling a particular anxiety tied to this fast approaching day. My mind starts filling up with reflective thoughts about my life.

This year I’m sitting back and taking in all of what the past 27 years of humanhood have been like.

I’ve lived so much but also haven’t(?)

I’ve been so many versions of myself.

I’ve been a Lindsey that has experienced extreme lows and extreme highs. I’ve been in love, I’ve been heartbroken. I’ve been unhoused and have also lived in my own apartment. I know what it’s like to be completely overjoyed in life and also on the brink of self-destruction. Constantly ebbing and flowing between not knowing, failing, growing and healing.

I’ve also come to realize that my life feels more like a book compiled of many short stories rather than an ongoing novel, with each chapter having its own unique setting and characters. Some chapters longer than others and with more highlighted sentences than a previous one. But as someone that craves stability and a sense of home, I’m unsure how this makes me feel.

In fact, I think that one of the reasons why I feel so exhausted and burned out is because my life is constantly shifting. I’m grateful for the lessons and the things I’ve lived through to get to where I am now but I deserve rest and peace as well. I am by no means a conformist nor wish for life to stand still but rather want to find a healthy middle between the highs and lows of life. It’s more of a mental shift than anything else I suppose. The work lies in being mindful so that when turbulence comes around, my mind stays centered.

This upcoming year, healing my nervous system will be a top priority. No more running from one thing to the next. No more trying to catch up and cross an imaginary finish line.

I’m going to be 28 and I deserve rest.