Numb

There is no right way to describe pain. More specifically metal pain, emotional pain. Think about it, physical pain will heal and become forgotten. Mental pain never leaves, emotional pain never leaves. It does not matter how you try to heal this kind of pain, it’s not going anywhere. This sort of pain stays with you until the day that you die.

Betrayal is part of it, years and years of betrayal.Watching people who you thought you could trust, looks the other way and lets everything you trusted them not to to say, leaks through their lips. So now you learn only to trust yourself, that is what destroys me everyday. Knowing that I can never truly trust anyone again, my walls that surround my heart.

Everyone is damaged more than one way, I know there are more people out there with more damage than me. Only thing that sets me apart is my age, someone my age should not be as damaged as me. From the time I was a little kid, I already understood that we come into this world alone, and we die alone. A little kid should not have that on their mind, they should be thinking about how they are going to grow up like their role models.

Each day I get up and put a smile on my face, if not I just pretend everything is fine when really it’s not. Every time someone asks if I’m okay, what’s wrong with you, or what’s up with you. My response is always the same, I’m fine, or I'm just tired, I didn't get much sleep last night. The truth though is that I’m not.

Truth is, every night, tears will flood my eyes to wear there streaming down my face it stings. Light sleep does not help either, nightmares, night terrors. I’ve become so numb, the only thing I feel is physical, only physical affection. Mental, emotional, I can’t feel, it hurts the person who is trying to prove to me that I deserve to be happy. Deep down I know that they are right, but with the damage that I have endured throughout my life to the present day.

It’s hard for me to accept that. This does a lot more harm to everyone around me than it does for myself. I have been so lost, I’ve been losing my mind, and it seems like no one cares, they say they do but it’s all talk, no they do not follow through. I’ve become so numb to the point where, no matter what state of mind I may be in, I will always be there for someone, anyone. But it seems like when I need someone to go to for help, it seems like everyone forgets that I even exist.

Numb is exactly who I am. I have become so invisible to so many, it’s a shock to people when they realize I’m there. Accepting this many years ago, and to this day I’ll be sitting next to someone, they turn around and say. “Oh my god I forgot that you were here” The fact that I’m this damaged to where I can say “ It’s okay, I’m used to it” No one, absolutly no one would last more than a couple of seconds inside my mind.

Many times I’ve been told to go seek professional help. So I did, that session ended with the professionals jaw dropped, writing on a piece of paper, sliding it across the table. With the words “amite yourself into an insane asylum” This. This is why I can’t open up to people, no one will ever understand the exact pain I live with everyday.