Normal, right?

This Is Perfectly Normal

I wake up to my phone screaming at me like it pays rent,

three notifications, two apologies I didn’t ask for,

and one ad for teeth whitening that feels personally insulting.

Still, I nod at the ceiling like a responsible adult and say:

“This is perfectly normal.”

My coffee machine now requires a firmware update,

which feels like a threat dressed as breakfast.

The mug says Live Laugh Love but I’m pretty sure it’s judging me.

I stir sadness into caffeine and repeat, politely:

“This is perfectly normal.”

My neighbor is arguing with his smart fridge again,

which I assume is going better than his marriage.

The fridge auto-orders 48 gallons of oat milk

because it “optimized emotional hydration patterns.”

We all clap softly, unsure if we’re impressed or next.

Naturally, I reassure the air:

“This is perfectly normal.”

My bank account sends me push notifications now,

mostly just laughing emojis and one shrugging skeleton.

Rent increases with the confidence of a man who’s never been told no.

I consider selling a kidney but the market is “currently saturated.”

So I smile like a person in a commercial and whisper:

“This is perfectly normal.”

At therapy, my therapist asks how I feel about “the state of things,”

which is suspiciously broad, like asking a fish how it feels about water.

I tell her I’m thriving, emotionally adjacent, spiritually on hold.

She nods slowly like she’s seen this episode before.

“This is perfectly normal.” I say again,

but now it sounds like something you say when the elevator stops

between floors and the music keeps playing anyway.

On the news, a man becomes famous for apologizing

for something he did not do in a language he does not speak.

Children learn tax codes before cursive.

Somewhere, a toaster starts unionizing.

I adjust my posture. I invest in coping mechanisms.

I download another app that promises to simplify my life

by adding seven more steps to everything I do.

And finally softly, uncertainly, like a joke I’m not sure is landing

“This is perfectly normal.”