No Light

My mind is troubled, why can't I break free of this darkness? Why does it come only when I think of you? When I need you most, that's when you disappear. My voice seems silent as I call out for you. The pain that surges through my hands dulls my true pain temporarily, but soon my heart is yet again overwhelmed with aching and tearing. The smile I wear nothing but a facade, no one sees what lies beneath, those I keep close must never see my true self, my true nature...the ugliness that keeps its claws in me. For I'm afraid that when they see it they'll flee from it, judge me for it or laugh at it. My life has kept me invisible, always told me to "man up", "suck it up", "rub some dirt in it." My feelings pushed aside for others, what material things I had given to others and destroyed. People said they care or loved me, but soon after tore my heart out or stabbed me in the back. You said "I love you" but the gestures you've done, the things you say, tell me otherwise. Left behind as others shoot pass, not for the lack of trying, but for the lack of help and encouragement. As the memories of my childhood start to fade, the pain from the past keeps its claws in me, reminding me, haunting me. I fear the voices and torment will continue until one day my soul departs my body, and I am nothing more than dirt.