Neverwhere

Where has my confidence gone???

Not just in my waking life, but in the words I used to etch across ink and page?

Gone like so much of my false inflated ego….

I wait in bated silence, sensory information crushing my mind, stealing my thoughts….

I can’t breathe now….

All the voices have fled, mechanical shut down of the scenery, that once drove my escaping heart…

My wings were never real and as Icarus before me, I flew to close to that which I wanted…

Still I flew, on false wind and bravado, heedless into passion, lies, and stories made for the benefit of my of devilish pride…

Reality is a bitch…

Sucking the marrow out of my bones, tossing them aside into a pile of long forgotten dreams…

I miss dreams…

Why is it I have lost the fire?

Have I given up?

Settled into a life of walking guilt, my heart held back in shame and disgust???

Everyone is watching, looking, waiting for me to make a misstep…

To once again show the demon inside and drown myself in Baccian debauchery…

Can't you see….

That even though the darkness screams inside my flesh, I hold it at bay???

Instead of loosing the beast once again on the unsuspecting world…

I fight it with guilt and sorrow to do no harm…

But am I not still a man, steeped in needs of flesh and warmth…

Am I to live in denial of forgotten touch?

That's the secret to change though isn't it…

The banshees still wail their swan's song deep inside, we just learn to ignore it…

Push it down…

Suppress, repress, and oppress the carnality of what boils just under the surface…

But Gods above and below can I feel it…

Straining my skin,

Bursting my thought,

Pushing against the good I have encased them in…

Thin though the armour may be, I leave them there buried, and all but forgotten.

Until…

Explosion, rocking me back on my heals, punch drunk swimming lost, lost, lost…

Lost little boy,

He remembers the fire, the feel…

The wish and want of ivory flesh and toned muscle…

Taking the soul Lilith, to sate the lust only she could quench…

When the emptiness fled in supersonic speeds…

We felt …

Normal…

Happy, before we knew what happiness could be…

The fire dims… all but the faint scarlet color, smoldering deep inside…

Because we are torn, between what we were and what we have become…

Lust fades, passion fails…

For most that is…

Except for me…

no, not for me…

I am stuck between the real and the Hope…

The whispered someday…

And did you know I pray for that someday…

That Hope again will fill my heart and mind…

Bring us back from the endless winter of self exile…

I gotta be better…

Stronger…

More patient…

I have to listen and open my mind, as well as my love…

Because I learned the hard way…

That lust without love is meaningless…

That effort and honesty builds a foundation stronger than any moment of selfish need…

Because I learned the hard way, that love is not perfect…

It's messy, glorious, and it hurts…

Gods does it hurt…

Yet in the end, it's worth it…

Hope is worth it…

Even if the chance is so far removed that all is dim and wane, cling to it, with all you the strength you have, because it can all change in a breath…

The knock could come…

The moment when sapphires sparkle galaxies in their eyes, and they look at you again…

Not for what you were or what you have become…

But for what you have always been…

Hope for someday….