Never...Never

In your arms, I could’ve stayed forever.

Only to discover that in the end, your love was never.

Never really there.

Never true.

It never even existed for you.

.

In nearly seven years, I have no way of knowing whether I’ve ever even known the real you.

Was it he who dried my tears,

Held me when the dam broke open wide?

.

Or was it he who inflicted such pain?

Broke me down until nothing was left?

Too busy sexting while I cried,

Lied to my face, and expected that I’d always allow him to remain?

All the while spouting the same tired refrain?

.

The ability to trust is one I’ll never regain.

He drove me to the brink, I no longer feel sane.

Cut deeper than I thought possible,

Didn’t stop until I landed in the hospital.

.

There’s such a stain upon my heart.

A black cloud of poison.

He’s got a toxic lure.

It’ll dissipate my restraint, it always has before.

.

Pull me back!

Please! I beg you!

That toxin of his? It’s one for which there’ll never be a cure.

.

Looking back, I’m not sure

How I even thought he was capable of anything pure.

Not love. Not commitment. Fidelity? ha ha ha

Every loving phrase, every passionate caress.

Oh my, how he certainly presented his best.

.

I needed him so, and this he knew to be true.

Soon the trauma bonded,

Even long after I realized we should be through.

There’s no coming back…

There’s no going back.

No wand I could wave

To ease my devastation.

No lessening of the pain.

It’s all that I feel.

.

Wish I could peel back some layers.

Return to the self that I’d been

Before he ever entered my life.

I never could’ve imagined how he’d break me so.

I’d been dreaming of becoming his wife

With no idea of how he’d soon warm me with nothing but his gas-light.

.

In all those years, he’d been busy burying his knife.

Metal twisting against my spine,

As he carried on a double life

A seedy porcine is simply what he’s been.

.

His blade of deceit severed my heart.

But I will end it here.

I’ll entertain no more of his tales,

Nor of the travesty which veiled itself as love.

This shall be the end of all my woes and strife

With this final purge of that narcissist from my life.

. . .

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This poem was originally published on Medium: