Never Go Nuclear

I hope you get caught at every light,

hope your clothes all fit too tight.

I hope a red sock gets in your whites

and you get covered in mosquito bites.

I hope the salon cancels your appointment

and you get a rash requiring ointment.

A thousand tiny disappointments

To mar each second of enjoyment.

I want your pipes to spring a leak,

maybe sewage to stink and reek

Everyone ignoring you when you speak,

never turning the other cheek.

I want you to have bad dreams

want your jeans to bust their seams

cars to blind you with highbeams

friends to put you in their memes.

I hope your shoes eat your socks

I hope your car needs new shocks,

your favorite quarterback always blocked

your trick or treat bag full of rocks.

I hope your vacuum burns a belt

your dog gets fleas on her pelt

and a bee sting that forms a welt,

to you the worst cards always dealt.

I hope that when you bake a cake

you forget the sugar and the eggs won’t break

I hope the restaurant overcooks your steak

and you never catch another break.

I hope your Coke is always flat

your team strikes out at every bat,

your friends with you get in a spat

and publicize your private chats.

I hope you never see a rainbow,

and the ones you want to stay go

I see the tarnish on your halo—

It’s cheaper than a jar of play-doh.

I hope that you get stuck in traffic,

ask for paper but get plastic.

And while you’re being so bombastic

I hope your panties snap their elastic.

I hope it rains on your day off

and you suffer from a nagging cough.

I hope everyone you hate succeeds,

triumph and victory filling their feeds.

I hope you never hit your note

while you retain water and bloat

I hope you ruin your favorite dress

with enormous stains, a giant mess.

I hope that when you’re on the beach

You miss the spots that you can’t reach,

get tiny sunburns that make you screech.

I don’t need you to expire,

but I wish for you three flat tires.

I want your ice cream to melt in the car,

hope you never see a falling star.

I hope you take your jokes too far

and get exposed for what you are.

I hope you never get the hint

that you look terrible in print

all your money overspent

so you must live in a tent.

I hope they discontinue your favorite lipstick,

hope your car loses its dipstick

A montage of you in a triptych:

your truth so bare that you can’t miss it.