Neutrality.

I want the world to stop tugging at my ribs,

these elastic ribs that snap open like lids,

doors for my loved ones spree

and any stranger’s whims.

Even the ghosts with wet footprints,

and names I should’ve buried with my sins.

*

There is always a swell,

a feverish rise,

love burning silly.

As a lit match in a dry forest.

*

Forgiveness spilling too quickly,

turning spoiled and thin.

Like milk in the fridge

opened in haste

souring before i reach for it.

*

And I am tired..

tired of being a flood in disguise.

Tired of rotting my insides

To keep the showcase of outside.

*

Today I want the hush,

a warm floor’s unbothered touch,

the way it doesn’t care

if I’m too soft or burn too much.

I want that blank, warm, immaculate space,

the white-noise hum in my skull’s small place

that whispers:

*

“be still..

girl, be still.

let silence hold you,

nothing else has held you whole,

don’t you see.

don’t you know by now

where peace keeps its bones?”

*

{I take it in,

I try to breathe..}

*

But oh my heart tries theatrics,

again and again,

a red bird in panic, beating at glass, frantic.

Still I guide it down gently.

my trembling, stubborn heart..

*

Now a museum specimen under a dome.

Not dead.

Just observed.

Just known.

*

Let the feelings clatter,

let them scrape their teeth

along the bars of my calm.

I do not sway.

Not this time.

No pendulum self.

No storm worship.

No martyr’s bruised surrender.

*

There is a middle,

a pale, unmoving middle,

where breath does not splinter,

and spirit does not dwindle.

where I am neither firebrand nor ghost,

but simply here,

not emotionless,

just close,

silent

present,

and

whole.

*

And oh,

how startling,

how holy the shift,

to shine without burning,

to rise without drift,

to love without martyrdom,

to feel the storm gathering under my skin,

and still refuse..

still refuse to drown within.

*

And I return

day by day,

unshaken, unspilled,

not consumed by my own brightness,

held safe

in the tight embrace of neutrality.