My Snoring Husband

I love him dearly, but this fucking snoring has to stop.

If I hear another echo from my soulmate monster, my ears are gonna pop.

I know I’m being mean, but goddammit, I can’t sleep.

So instead of bitching to him, I’ll just write and let you read.

In the middle of the night, I lay awake and I'm distraught.

He’s not doing it on purpose, but he’s doing it without a thought.

If I'm being honest, I nudge him sometimes,

and then he gets quiet.

But then it starts back up,

And our bedroom sounds like a riot.

When the morning comes, he’s well-rested,

But my ass is looking crazy, 'cause all night I've been tested.

I greet him with coffee.

“Baby, you deserve an Oscar.”

He asked me, “For what?”

I said, “For that all-night performance; it was really proper.”

Now get your ass up; we’re going to the doctor!